Thus Sayeth The Bitter Old Bitch

Another Journey to the Museum of Taxidermy - TOUR #2 - The FASHION Edition!!

2010-10-01T14:58:00.000-07:00

Greetings, whippersnappers. Seeing as the first tour to the Museum of Taxidermy was such a success, many have been asking me to load the bus and return for another field trip. So on the bus we go, this time to the jewelry and wearable exhibit of the museum!

Now if you haven't heard, the bird is the word.....for necklaces that is! If you want to be in fashion this fall, you can express your fashonista expertise with any of these gems:

So trendy!

The best part of all, if you can easily recycle your pets! Why bury Polly when you can wear-y Polly?

Pretty bird.

Cockatiel with bling appeal!

Not your style? Well take a look at this lovely wishbone necklace on your right...

...though I'm guessing the squirrel didn't get his wish. :/

Over here on the left you can see the hottest trend in headwear accessories, taking the catwalks in New York by storm this season is our trendy line of dead rat headbands:

Next time someone says your hair looks like a rat's nest, you can beam with pride as you'll know you're in style! :D

Let's not leave the boys out though, continuing with the "infested theme" we have this lovely pigeon wing headband:

If you've been looking for a way to accessorize that "I wanna look like a cracked-out version of Hermes" ensemble, lucky you; fashion has finally come up with the answer.

But we can't let only our fully-grown fowl have all the fun? Over here if you take a peek, you'll find....

...a dead baby bird brooch.

Moving along, let's see what we have down the hallway, shall we?

Oh wonderful - the new line of shoes have arrived!

First we have dead mole slippers...perfect for those cozy nights.

For the more business casual look, we have these lovely deer-and-revolver pumps:

...perfect for "hoofin'" it to work.

And for a classic dinner date, we have the latest from Milan!:

Hedgehog-a-riffic.

And if any of these shoes look too classy, fret not oh workers-of-the-pole! We have just the shoe for you:

Well Prince, I guess when doves cry...this is what it looks like.

HEY, ANYONE IN THE MARKET FOR A HAIR COMB?!?!??

The look on his face says it all.

If you look closely this way, you'll see a lovely mouse bangle:

And for the gentlemen...don't allow those black-tie events keep you from putting your best fashion foot forward! Spice up that dull tuxedo with this....

Nothing says "Boy am I glad you invited him to the wedding, dear!" like a dead rat bow tie.

Speaking of our whiskered friends, this coin purse will definitely get the subway attendant's attention next time you look for exact change:

ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED TO NOT HAVE RABIES. WE SWEAR.

And who says taxidermy is just for outerwear? Some of the biggest fashion leaps are being made in the lingerie department this year:

Personally, I'm holding out for the new owl line...that way I can show off my hooters.

And last but definitely not least, children - fashion has finally answered the age old question "What do you do if you just can't let go of a beloved childhood pet?" What if your kitty finally went off to claw that scratching post in the sky? How do you cope with the grief, and still keep the memory of Fluffy close to you?

The answer?

...

Fanny packs are back, bitches!!! ;P

Hope you enjoyed the field trip. Gift shop is next to the bathrooms by the exit. See you at the bus....

.....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

A Walk Down Memory Lane - To The Dangerous Playground

2009-12-08T01:55:00.000-08:00

Ahh, playgrounds.

No; I'm not talking about those sterile plastic lysol-sprayed hunks of crap nestled in a bed of rubbery soft nerfy flooring. I'm talking about real playgrounds. The kind we grew up with, the kind that mangled us and taught us life lessons. Playgrounds deemed too dangerous for today's wussy youth, which sadly have become a thing of the past.

This is what fun looks like today?!??!? Pffft.

Today the Bitter Old Bitch gladly takes you on a stroll down memory lane, to the playground equipment you loved and miss - and probably have a few scars to show from.

First Stop: The METAL slide of doom:

That's right bitches, take a look at that. The metal slide in all its dangerous sharp glory. Just sitting there in the sun, waiting to scorch any thighs that dare touch it. Who needs rounded sides or tubes? Part of the excitement about riding the slide of doom is knowing that at any moment, your shoes may catch on the metal and you're taking a one-way-trip over the side, possibly in sand - but likely in gravel tinged with bottlecaps and cigarette butts. YESSS!

Second Stop: The Merry-Go-Round:

If you haven't gotten 10 of your friends together and spun one of these until you vomited, I pity you. I was that one kid who was one hell of a spinner, I'd stand on the side and just whip the crap out of it, giving everyone a hell of a ride. Naturally, I would then try to hop on once it hit Mach 5. Of course, I never made it, but instead hung on for dear life, dragging my brand new jeans through the dirt, allowing my legs to dangle and drag on the ground until it finally came to a halt. After putting holes in the knees of my pants and filling my shoes full of gravel, I'd head home victorious. Good times, good times...

Third Stop: Those Springy Things of Death:

"Hello, I'm the Death Duck. Wanna ride?"

Obviously meant for the little ones, these creatures were also favorites of us bigger kids. They would rock back and forth, hitting the ground until they had enough of us - either bucking us off 5 feet away or popping us in the face knocking out a tooth. Either way, we learned a valuable lesson - sometimes you really are just too big to play with that.

Fourth Stop: The Teeter-Totter a.k.a. See-Saw:

More than just a staple of the playground, the teeter-totter was also an important lesson in physics. With the right amount of force on one side, you too can achieve this (Tip: wait for the slo-mo fun!):

Fifth Stop: The Jungle Gym / Monkey Bars:

Face it, besides teaching us upper body coordination and strength; jungle gyms and monkey bars are responsible for making sure as a child we got regular tetanus boosters.

Sure...it looks like fun now, but wait till they get a taste of the rusty bolts and screws holding it together from the inside. Heh.

Sixth Stop: The Rocket:

Extremely popular in the late sixties/early seventies the playground rocket was amazing. You could climb inside for one hell of a view over the whole area, or as a remote refuge to get your drug fix in private (i.e.: snorting pixie sticks). Do note that a slide-o-doom was almost always attached to these babies.

Seventh Stop: The "Barrel Of Fun" a.k.a. the "Hamster Wheel":

Now this is one of my fondest pieces of equipment at the playground. One particular playground near the community pool had one of these and it was always packed full of kids. They were hard to get started, but with a little help the wheel inside would start spinning. Of course, sometimes the wood planks were loose and caused you to pinch your fingers, and splinters were not only accepted, but anticipated. Lesson learned: No matter what, keep going! Because if you fall down when it is at full speed nobody is going to stop, instead - they all get to laugh at you as you receive concussion after concussion from flopping around in the wheel like a lone sock in the dryer. :D

Eighth Stop: The "Swinging Gates":

Our school playground had one of these puppies, but in the "single" gate version, not the double that is shown here. Much like the Merry-Go-Round you could really get one of these puppies going if you had a little help. We used to enjoy sitting in it towards the outside with our legs and arms wrapped around the bar to get the maximum amount of centrifugal force. YAY!

Ninth Stop: The "Witch's Hat":

The idea behind these were simple - you and a friend (or multiple friends) grabbed opposite ends of the ring and ran in the same direction until you got whipped off the ground. Of course, that would be too easy; so instead you always tried to pair up people of very different sizes for each side, so it would be off balance and one side would be flown up in the air from the other people's weight. Another important lesson in physics; often followed by a lesson in first aid. ;)

Tenth Stop: Teatherball:

Yes kids, once upon a time we actually had Teather Ball stations at parks and at school. Yes, you often got the ball smacked right in your face, but you liked it, dammit. These days the closest most kids get to one of these is by downloading Napoleon Dynamite. :( The world needs more tetherball.

R.I.P Teatherball court....R.I.P.

Last Stop: "The Octopus" a.k.a "The Maypole" a.k.a "The Big Strike":

Here's one you won't see these days. Much like the Witch's Hat above, the Octopus was a simple design. Slap a huge metal pole in the ground, attach a buttload of chains, and allow the chains to swivel from the pole. Add kids, and you're done. Simply put, everyone grabbed on, you ran around as fast as you could until...LIFTOFF! Of course, half the time the sucker would throw you ten feet if you couldn't hang on, and you could be certain that sometime or another a chain next to you was going to slap you in the face, and you were possibly going to slam right into the pole itself. With excitement and danger like that - it really is little wonder why we played all day long. And considering today's lame nerfed playgrounds, can we really be shocked that today's kids don't?

Bring back the danger....bring back the fun.

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

Flame War Video is Truthful.

2009-06-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

Leave it to the good folks at CollegeHumor to make a video that is not only hilarious, but comes with a catchy tune. And oddly enough, YOU ALREADY KNOW THE LYRICS. (That is if you post comments online a lot). :P

Enjoy your day!

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch

RANDOM PICTURE FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-05T13:53:00.000-07:00

Enjoy kiddos...may your weekend be full of awesome, and your hangovers not catch up to you!

If you don't catch what's going on in the last picture...just look a little longer at it. ;)

........thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch

Ok, sure why not?: FIFTEEN FUN BUS STOPS

2009-05-30T04:19:00.000-07:00

We all know how shitty waiting for the bus can be. If only all bus stops could be this awesome and entertaining!

I demand all bus stops have hammocks. I NEED that in my life.

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

RANDOM PICTURE FRIDAY!!!!!

2009-05-22T11:59:00.001-07:00

HAPPY FRIDAY KIDDIES! Here's your usual weekend-starting dose of random picture insanity. Hope your weekend rocks and your hangovers are minimal.

....thus sayeth the Bitter old Bitch

The Most Homosexually-Charged Video Game Ever?

2009-05-21T14:20:00.001-07:00

.....could be. The new Muscle March game for Wii...filled with more "friends of Dorothy" than Munchkinland itself. Thanks Japan!

No matter what kiddos...muscles + rainbows + guys in bear suits = WIN!!!

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch

JOURNEY INTO THE MUSEUM OF TAXIDERMY - TOUR #1!!!!!

2009-05-16T04:29:00.000-07:00

And now, part one in an upcoming series, the Bitter Old Bitch presents.......

The Museum of Taxidermy!!!!

Welcome to the gallery, children. I am the Bitter Old Bitch and I will be your guide for today's tour. Today we'll be taking a look at some of the best (and worst) displays of taxidermy art. But I see you are all very anxious to get inside...so follow me and let's begin the tour...remember, please try and refrain from handling the art, and no photography please, postcards are available at the Gift Shop. Today we will be looking at:

Fishin' Squirrel

Flying drinking monkey

Hedgehog business card holder

Mouse in a trap...oh the fun one can have with one of these at the office! Unlike the real deal, this stuffed version can be used again and again and never decays!

Boxing Prairie Dogs

Rodeo Toads

Computer Mouse

Piggy pull-toy

Cowboy squirrel

Basketball wildcat...which if you all will kindly take a look to your left, you will see his nemesis....

...Football badger

Here we have a lovely set of smoking room squirrels...and over here...

...we have a dead kitten tea party
Adorable, isn't it?
Now, looking to your right......

...we have a soldier squirrel...ready for battle! More than likely he is here to defend the contents of....

Decanter Squirrel.

Because nothing says "class" like pouring your friends a glass of fine wine from Rocky's decapitated corpse!

Here we have a lovely set of marriage mice. But today is no single wedding, kids! We're upping the ante and making it a double!....

....with a dead kitten wedding.

Now I know what you are thinking. "Gee, B.O.B. - these are a lot of squirrels and mice and small animals, isn't there anything bigger? Where are the large animals?"

Well kids, the larger the animals get, the more it costs to stuff them. That's why you see so many small animals in the gallery. But those of you that enjoy large animals, have no worry....there are a great amount of specialists out there who can still provide you a large animal at a discounted price. Just ask this horse lover over here....

You'd be amazed the deals you can get! She has her favorite horse forever...and at the bargain price of 80% off the full retail price!

Now, for the last part of your first tour...let's wander off into the gallery of fashion...shall we? Follow me...

Here we have a set of lovely mouse brooches and just down the hall we have another mouse accessory...

An albino mouse pendant. Trés Chic!

And now on to our last exhibit for today....

...an authentic Louis Vuitton handbag for your dog. Er, I mean...of your dog.

I'll let you ponder upon that one for a while.

See you for the next tour.....we'll be open for more taxidermy fun real soon!

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

RANDOM PICTURE.........SATURDAY?

2009-05-16T03:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah, ok...I know...random picture day is always Friday. Bad, B.O.B....BAD!

But honestly, I can explain...

You see, yesterday after I was working down at the local homeless shelter I had to run by the orphanage and donate a quilt I had made, then before I went recycling I saw there was a blood drive going on and I ended up donating so much I was extremely sleepy and went to bed early.

*looks around*

OK...OK.... I see you aren't buying it. So truth is I went bowling and got drunk, then I proceeded to create a castle out of Bud Light boxes and passed out inside it. SUE ME. Hrmph.

Anyhow, though a day late, here are some random pics to keep your weekend rolling steady!

...I'll make it up to you with an awesome post concerning dead animals today. Promise. You'll see.

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch

TWENTY-FIVE TOTALLY RAD EIGHTIES HAIRDOS (That we all try and pretend we didn't wear) + Special Bonus

2009-05-14T04:02:00.000-07:00

And now, just for shits and giggles...here is an awesome grouping of 25 hairdos from the 80s. Hair we wore, we loved...and now, shame us:

The Rockhawk

The Fountain

The Dyna-Mullet (Yes, once upon a time - mullets could be classy!)
The FAME Headband Workout Tussle

The Windy Wave

The Steven Hawking (a.k.a. The "Big Bang Theory")

The Up-Don't

The MJ Thriller

The Mermaid

The Gnarly Surfer

The Rocker Guy, The Rocker Girl (and BONUS: Rocker Kid!)

The Side Spiral Pony

The Loofah Bang

The High School Standard

The Rat-Tail Special

The Standard Poodle

The Ponytail Tower Of Powah!

The Nintend-mullet

The Manfro

The "Little Red Raving Hood"

The Banana Cliperoo

The Jodie-Crimpapalooza

The Hairzilla

The Bo Derek Braids

The Flamingo

And now....as a special bonus, the Bitter Old Bitch has a note to you kids of today out there. So please, if you have any teenagers nearby, send them in the room now. I'll wait.

Ok....are they here?

Good. *clears throat*

Well hello there. I've been watching you kids out there...all on your facebooks and myspaces looking all pouty all the damn time. At first I thought it was all those little metal rings you kids had in your faces. They certainly look painful, and I thought that was why you were pouting all the time in your photos; because your faces hurt or because you had damaged some facial nerves and you were no longer able to smile. But after some careful observation I have realized why you look so sad.

....because you all look the damn same and you all have the same shitty haircut.

......kids, change your hair and take out that crap from your face if you really want to be different. You'd be surprised what a boost to the self-esteem being an individual will make. Then maybe you'll smile for once. And give your parents a hug, they had shitty hair once too. But at least they had plenty to choose from.

........thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch

You know what always makes me smile?

2009-05-12T16:28:00.000-07:00

....badly translated socks at the dollar store. :)

...right back 'atcha Captain..... YUP. :)

TATER SALAD + CONTOROTIONISM = FUN YET WEIRD

2009-05-12T06:06:00.001-07:00

An oldie but still a long running favorite of the B.O.B. - I know most of my buds have been forced into seeing this by me but it is too good not to continue sharing. For those who have never witnessed the fun created when potato salad and contortionist shenanigans collide into one heaping ball of awesome, this is for you.

The fun starts around 1:00, but the video is well worth a full watch. Catchy tune too!

STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!: Archie Comic Books

2009-05-11T00:15:00.000-07:00

Ahh, Archie and the gang. Though not as cool as reading Fantastic Four or X-Men; the gang from Riverdale High have long been a guilty pleasure of many. UNTIL NOW.

Many a comic series has befallen to the horrible trend of "artistic updating", with the characters and artwork being given a makeover and facelift to make them more happening and "cool". But no tale is more tragic than what has happened to the kids from Archie.

Archie comics have had their stylistic changes every now and then, usually for the better. Here is how most of us remember them:

Group shot of all the major playa-playas (From left to right): Betty, Archie, Jughead, Reggie, and Veronica with a special appearance by Hot Dog (Jughead's Dog).

Remember how they look? Good. But let's not forget a few other notables, such as:

Moose. Jock extraordinaire.

Midge. Moose's arm-candy.

And everyone's favorite minor character, who became popular in her own right...Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. (Yes young'uns, believe it or don't....she started out in Archie!)

Check out those curves! You don't have to be Salem to say "MEEE-OWWW!" Hubba-hubba!

So what about now, you may ask? Those of you with weak stomachs may wish to shield your eyes...yes children, here is what Archie Comics is cranking out these days. Oh the humanity!

OH NO YOU DIDN'T.

HELLLL NO. WAS THIS REALLY NECESSARY? SERIOUSLY?

Well certainly our old pal Jughead is safe. He was waaaay too original to succumb to such bullshit fads! Right Jughead, 'ol pal?

YOU....BASTARD! I BELIEVED IN YOU!

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Jughead is wearing...SAGGY F*CKIN' PANTS! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!

Midge and Moose!?!? Not you guys too!!!

Okay...calm down. We still have Sabrina. Remember cute little curvy Sabrina? Well, she's already been through this before, though we remember her as this:

(Again....MEEEEE-OWWWWWW!)

...we must remember that Archie had already made huge mistakes with Sabrina. Surely they learned from those mistakes. I mean...c'mon...we have a whole generation of kids who instead of the curvaceous freckle-faced witchy cutie above, thinks this is Sabrina:

Or even worse, some grew up thinking she looked liked this:

No....Archie Comics already knew they already took waaaaaay too many liberties with our beloved teenage witch in the past. They would never, ever do anything like that again. Wait....what's that you say?

They're updating Sabrina with a new look too?......

But it isn't going to be like the other Riverdale makeovers? Well...that's a relief. They're going with a different style you say? Well, how bad could it be?

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

Archie Comics, take this anorexic twig and stick it up your cauldron and stir it! AND STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

SHOW ME DA MONEY! : 50 Amazing Images of Dollar Bill Origami Art

2009-05-10T05:51:00.000-07:00

Just because it is frikkin' awesome, here are 50 amazing images (in no particular order because they all rock!) of honest-to-goodness dollar bills folded into origami art. Hey, if the economy ever bottoms out, at least we can all take up a new hobby, right? ;)

Have a lovely day children!

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

And now for no reason whatsoever....

2009-05-09T14:06:00.000-07:00

....FUN WITH GRAFFITI.

Because sometimes - despite what mamma said...it is funnier to spray it, not say it.

(Looks like someone made some bad investments!)

MMMmmmmm.....bacon.

...thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

PICTURE PAGES: CRAZY 1933 GERMAN ELECTROCUTION HANDBOOK - PART TWO

2009-05-09T02:50:00.000-07:00

Finally, time for more fun with electricity! We now present to you part two of...

....THE CRAZY 1933 GERMAN ELECTROCUTION HANDBOOK!

If you missed part one, be sure to check it out!

Now...tally-forth, kiddos...and onto the last set of 15 shockingly fun images!:

WARNING: God does not tolerate kite worshiping. All heathens will be smited.

WARNING: Washing clothes manually may suck, but suicide is not your only way out.

WARNING: You can not vacuum fire.

WARNING: Unless you're trying to get a telegram from the Grim Reaper, stabbing it with scissors just isn't gonna fix it, moron.

WARNING: Though tempting, please refrain from grabbing the giant phallic oven rod.

WARNING: If you've managed to put on a bra, nightie, gartered stockings and even heels since getting out of the shower, your hair probably isn't wet anymore.

WARNING: Unless your name is Flava Flav, the wearing of a giant oversized telephone necklace is a fashion crime punishable by death.

WARNING: Just because it looks like fun to pee on, doesn't mean it is. And stop using a backhanded grip while grabbing your junk. It makes you look silly.

The 1933 version of the "Slap Chop" was not as easy to clean as Vince had promised on the infomercial.

WARNING: Don't ever think you are safe. EVER. Stay dirty, stay alive!

WARNING: Even rats can't resist the sweet, sweet taste of death.

WARNING: Electrocuting yourself won't garner attention from Daddy, he's just too busy to care. When in doubt, try the trusted method of becoming a stripper.

WARNING: Exorcism in progress.

WARNING: Do not use electricity in an attempt to curdle milk faster. It doesn't work.

WARNING: Though effective, please refrain from using electricity to neuter your pet.

Enjoy your day, and remember; beware the rat smart enough to chew the ground wire....

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

Retro Goodness: DANGEROUS TOYS OF YESTERYEAR (that we all loved!)

2009-05-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

Meet the Marquis DeSade of the Toy World. Say hello, Willy.

Have you ever wondered why today's generation seems so hopeless? Somehow it seems that those of us born in the eighties, seventies, and prior are just a bit...well...smarter than those kids today, doesn't it?

Well, it's true. Know why?

BECAUSE WE HAD TOYS THAT COULD KILL US.

Yes, nothing says "motivational learning experience" more than pain will. Back in the day our toys taught us valuable lessons, and those that were too lazy or dumb to adapt, well...Darwinism took it's toll on our generation didn't it? Those of us that survived the "thinning of the herd" know darn well that paperclips don't go in electric sockets, and that no matter how much Jimmy Anderson dares you, it isn't worth trying to successfully catch a lawn dart in your mouth. Nope. We took our licks, but we ended up wiser, more well-rounded individuals. Can't say the same for the overprotected kids of today.

So here, without further ado - is a roundup of wild toys from the past that even though they could maim and kill, we still played with and loved every damn minute of it:

Toys That Would Cut You Up:
(examples: Ice Bird, Tonka Trucks, Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine)

Ice Bird

Ice Bird. Because nothing spells “FUN!” like a rubber ducky with a razor-sharp cheese grater on his ass.

Toys That Would Beat Your Sorry Ass Silly:
(examples: Willy Water Bug, Fun Fountain, Water Wiggle, clackers, Bing Bang Boing!)

Water Wiggle

*shakes fist in anger* Oh water wiggle, how I remember thee…you may have won the battle but you have not won the war! I still plot my vengeance…someday I shall tame you and you will bow down before me.

Willy The Water Bug

Ahh, Willy. Attach him to a garden hose and watch his watery tentacles whip in the air, just begging you to tempt fate and try to jump him. And as soon as you do, he'll lash your legs and genitals so hard you'll have welts. Lesson learned, Willie. Granted, you gave us fair warning with your box art of you whipping the hell out of some kids. We should have paid more attention. (Thanks TOLTOYS for the lovely image.)

Johnny Reb Cannon

Pledging your allegiance to the Confederates whilst firing hard plastic cannonballs that fly up to 35 feet at your friends? Now how could that possibly go wrong?

Bing Bang Boing!

The greatest lesson in physics; a flying metal ball moving at a high rate of speed will provide enough force to knock out your teeth if given the chance.

Toys that would BURN THE SHIT OUTTA YOU:
(examples: Creepy Crawlers, Mattel Vac-U-Form, Easy Bake Oven, Soldering Kits, Wood Burning Kits)

Vac-U-Form Machine by Mattel:

The virtual trifecta of danger.

1. Hot Plate? Check.
2. Melted Hot Plastic? Check.
3. Sharp knife to trim your molds? Check and check!

Creepy Crawlers

I know, let's bake creatures out of toxic goo using a burning hot plate! YESSSS!

Easy Bake Oven

Good ol' Easy Bake. Thanks to you I learned that handling a hot cake pan without an oven mitt is never a great idea. Thanks for teaching me, I'd be fingerless today without you!

Toys That Just Cut to the Chase and KILLED you:
(examples: Lawn Darts, Fireworks, Dad's Table Saw)

Lawn Darts a.k.a. "Jarts"

Death in a box. 'Nuff said.

Toys That You Dangerously Rode in The Street:
(examples: Big Wheels, roller skates, The Outrider, Green Machine, skateboards)

The Outrider

The Outrider. Knees and knuckles, prepare to be skinned!

Big Wheel

Big Wheel. Now check out this awesome commercials. How many helmets and knee pads do you see? Now...count the awesome spin-outs. Is it little wonder we loved these things until we wore a flat hole in the front tire?

Green Machine

Green Machine, for when you outgrew your Big Wheel, but you weren't about to relinquish your title of "neighborhood knievel".

Toys That Would IRRADIATE You:
(examples: Not shockingly, this is the only one that I know of.)

Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab

Yeah, back in the day you could buy a toy kit that had a Geiger counter AND three…count ‘em…three radioactive sources included in the box. I ask you, what other generation can boast badassery like that? NONE. So stand up and be proud.

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

RANDOM PICTURE FRIDAY!

2009-05-07T21:02:00.001-07:00
Good morning kiddos, as promised, here are some random bits of photo goodness to get your weekend rolling. Enjoy!
- The B.O.B.

Daily Dose of Camp: SKATETOWN, USA!!! A film Hollywood tried to forget.

2009-05-07T20:38:00.000-07:00

Roller Disco = proof drugs were in abundance during the seventies.

Ahh....Skatetown, USA.

Be prepared to witness the pinnacle of campy goodness - all rolled into one film. And before you ask - yes your eyes are not deceiving you, that is indeed Scott Baio and Patrick Swayze. Really. Hollywood has tried to bury this movie hoping you would never find out about it, but lucky for you, a bitter old bitch never, ever forgets...

Viva la roller disco....

....thus sayeth The Bitter Old Bitch.

Suck-butt Comic Strips - PART TWO: MARK TRAIL

2009-05-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

I don't even wanna know what just happened here.

If there is anyone I feel sorry for, it's the artists responsible for Mark Trail. Especially Jack Elrod.

Mark Trail is perhaps the longest-running shitty comic strip to date. It began in April 1946 as only what I can conclude as a sick joke against nature artists everywhere that nobody ever had the balls to stop.

For those of you unfamiliar with Mark Trail, the premise is simple - create a comic that focuses on ecology and the environment. Kinda like a flannel-shirt wearing Captain Planet, but with BUTTLOADS random and unneeded nature scenes.

The problem is that Mark Trail is not only boring, the idea of making a comic that must carry some "Earth Day-esque" message is a heck of a lot of work. In the same amount of space that it takes for Garfield to smell some lasagna or Charlie to kick a damn football, Mark Trail has to convince you to save the frikkin' planet. And you thought your boss had unreal demands.

Mark Trail always has the same formula...and it never fails to deliver:

1. Storyline is based on saving the planet.
2. There will be an assload of text to read.
3. A GIANT RANDOM NATURE SHOT (usually of an animal) will hijack the strip.
RANDOM GIANT HAWK FOR THE WIN!

Mark Trail's problem lies with number 3 on the list. Remember, they still have to somehow squeeze the "save the earth" message in just a few panels, which makes it hard when some giant fuckin' fish is taking up half the page. But thankfully, this one quirk of Mark Trail is cause for unexpected laughs as the artist is forced to to squeeze speech bubbles near the animals. This speech-bubble misplacement often leads to the strips only saving grace; the animals appear to be talking.

Little did everyone know, pigeons love to gamble.

Teamster Chipmunk.

In an attempt to lower "car-on-moose" hate crimes, moose decide to beef up road security.

Well thank goodness the Trout remembered to go to the bank!

BEST. TALKING. BEAR. EVER.

Thanks fate, for making a shitty comic strip somewhat bearable. Heh.

.....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!: Tonka Dump Truck

2009-05-06T14:57:00.000-07:00
Okay kiddies of yesteryear, how many of you are sick and tired of seeing the things you loved dearly from your childhood being changed for the worse?

I'm looking at you, kids born before 1985. Kids who grew up with dangerous toys and loved every damn minute of it. Kids who lived in rooms with lead paint on the walls. Kids who rode their bicycles and skateboards down the street and never needed any pansy-ass elbow pads or helmets...kids who rode their Big Wheels down the slide just for hell of it...yeah, you...

...stand up and give the Bitter Old Bitch an "Amen"!

I'm tired of seeing everything I once loved, cartoons, toys, whatever - all changed to fit this new world order of bullshittery. Today, I give you one example of awesomeness that has become pussified with the times. Today, we're talking about:

THE TONKA DUMP TRUCK

Now THAT is what Willis was talkin' 'bout!

Yes, the mighty Tonka Dump Truck. It had sharp metal edges that could slice you six ways from Sunday, and if your truck was well-loved, enough rust on it to give an entire 3rd world country lockjaw. But it was tough, damn tough. It was your playground friend, you could haul anything in that sucker...from 15 pounds of dirt to an entire grocery bag full of Legos. And it could even carry YOU. Yes, many a child bored with hauling around gravel ended up sitting on it and taking it for a ride down a sloped driveway. And if you were lucky enough to have two (or a friend who also owned one) it was only a matter of time before someone put their feet in them and tried the infamous "Tonka Truck Rollerskate Supreme". Those were the days, my friends...those were the days.

Pictured: Sharp metal edges and an assload of fun.

Tonka Trucks were quality, and no matter how much abuse you gave them, they held up. How many toy cars these days can a child actually sit on and ride without the axel snapping in half the minute more than 2 lbs of pressure is applied? ZERO. But Tonka...Tonka could do it, and we loved it.

This my friends, is what a Tonka Truck used to be; molten metal could only dream of being formed into something so bad-ass:

HELL TO THE YEAH.

But what about today? Well, luckily (or not!) Tonka still makes dump trucks. But, they've...well...changed...*cough* the design a little. You know, to adhere to modern safety standards. Because kids today need to be protected all the time. Not like us heathens, whose parents would toss some lawn darts in our hands and smack us on the ass and force us to go out and play with them (unattended of course!).

Brace yourselves. Yes folks...this is what a Tonka Dump Truck is today:

WTFBBQ.

Tonka, take your colorful plastic piece of shit and give me my rusty metal death trap back! And STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!

...thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

PICTURE PAGES: CRAZY 1933 GERMAN ELECTROCUTION HANDBOOK - PART ONE

2009-05-03T14:17:00.000-07:00
Ever wonder how many different ways you can electrocute yourself to death? Well wonder no more, for today we present....

*drum roll*

....THE CRAZY 1933 GERMAN ELECTROCUTION HANDBOOK!

That's right children, take a peek at the many ways you too can be fried to a crisp, all from the comforts of your own home.

I'm particularly amused at how the artist warns people about many scenarios that seem, well..."improbable" to put it mildly. Whoever drew these scenes was one sick puppy with a hell of an imagination. KUDOS!

Without further ado, here is part one of our two part "Crazy 1933 German Electrocution Handbook" gallery. Enjoy!

WARNING: Not for use as a pacifier.

WARNING: If you are dumb enough to put a lamp over your tub, you deserve what you get.

WARNING: Electricity gets jealous if you decide to go with candles instead of electric lights on your Christmas tree.

WARNING: Stopping dam leaks with your finger is a Dutch thing in which German electricity refuses to tolerate.

WARNING: Shamwows are awesome, but may cause electrocution.

WARNING: Simpletons spontaneously bursting out air guitar solos will not be tolerated by any means.

WARNING: Frayed electrical cords may appear dirtier than they actually are.

WARNING: Do not listen to your ipod and practice your pop and lock moves while ironing.

WARNING: Read your damn book inside the house.

WARNING: 1933 technology is not far advanced enough for the iron to do the work itself.

WARNING: Darwinism at work.

WARNING: Don't ever, ever piss off your mailman.

WARNING: Do not leave your "SüperEnema 5000" kit unattended.

WARNING: Just because you are a train conductor doesn't mean you can't be another kind of conductor too.

WARNING: Douchebags may be tempted to use electricity as the "ultimate prank".

Stay tuned for part 2!

NOTE: PART 2 is now up!

....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

Retro Goodness: VINTAGE SEXIST ADVERTS

2009-05-02T06:39:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Misogyny 101 kiddos.

Today I'm giving you a ride in a time machine. We're going to look at vintage advertisements from a time not too long ago. A time where as a woman, failure to provide your man a fresh cup of coffee was rewarded with a beating and any sign of not being sexy would guarantee your ass being kicked to the curb. Here are 5 home-baked batches of ads from those days:

Enjoy.

In our first batch, we have the "Women are only good for housework!" theme:

"That's right, cooking, and popping out babies. Now quit hugging me and get your ass back in the kitchen, Janet!"

"Don't worry honey, I can use the power of beer to get shitfaced enough to forget how you couldn't provide a simple damn dinner for me. Worthless hag!"

"Hooray! I am finally useful despite my lack of a penis!"

"See Johnny, that's what happens to women when they do too much housework. Now hand me that baseball bat of yours, and watch me put her in her place again."

Maybe. But she better finish those god damned dishes first.

If the above statement is true, I must be one ugly bitch.

Flymo. 'Cuz bitches need to mow the lawn too.

Behold, the only kind of Christmas presents a woman deserves. Get to circling, ladies!

Batch #2: The "Women are only sex objects" theme:

Wow, check out the "projection equipment" on Sabrina there! O.o

Smoking. Because dieting alone just isn't enough.

In the 1950's, women waited for Santa wearing see-through negligees. THAT'S JUST HOW THINGS WERE DONE, DAMMIT.

*looks at the pictures on the side with Lauren "loving her socks" a little too much.*
Words escape me.

....and then nobody will ever love you.

"My mind, oh...and my sweet tight ass, he's always mentioning that."

That's right ladies, the #2 cause for divorce is having a run in your stockings. If you don't take care of your nylons, you have nobody to blame but yourself when he leaves your raggedy ass. But if this is #2, what is #1? Hmm...

#1 reason for divorce: "Middle-age" skin. As soon as you start looking like the cryptkeeper, Bob's gonna leave your ass. You have been warned.

Batch #3: The "Women are stupid" theme:

Mini. Even females can drive them.

FACT: The part of a woman's brain that stores the ability to do simple math is replaced by thoughts of household appliances.

Finally men, a birth control pill that not only lets you tap that whenever you want to, but also makes women think about ironing and doing laundry. We have achieved perfection. Pass these out to the womenfolk STAT!

GOD FORBID A WOMAN COULD POSSESS ENOUGH BRAIN CELLS AND MOTOR SKILLS TO OPEN A BOTTLE OF KETCHUP.

Batch #4: The "Women suck because their privates are smelly" theme:

No, its between her pretty little meat curtains. DUH.

Winner for being so subtle about it.

Use Zonite. Because your vajajay is so rank, your husband is now being forced to leave the house.

Ladies, if your coochie-stank is this bad, you've got a problem. Seriously.

Yes, you're reading that right. If you wanna keep your man, you have to douche with LYSOL. Experts agree.

Batch #5: The "Men are better than women" theme:

WOW.

It isn't rape, your honor. I was just TAMING her. *wink*

A man has full right to give you a beat down for not making sure his coffee is the best and freshest. How dare you defy him!

Because unlike Mom, Dad has a penis. Which in the real world means he was born to be a whisky-swillin' PIMP.

Wrong on so many levels.

ACTUAL QUOTE: "Men are better than women! Indoors women are useful - even pleasant. On a mountain they are something of a drag."

Blow smoke in her face. 'Cuz that's what all the bitches like.

Put that know-it-all tramp where she belongs - six feet under. Hey, you wanna sell that postage meter or not?

Have a great day everyone, and remember - you are allowed in the living room only after the dishes get done; and don't you forget it!

...thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

SIDE NOTE: I see my comments on this article went through the roof overnight which only means one thing...those silly pranksters over at I AM BORED have come to pay an old lady a visit again. Thanks for stopping by, you kids are welcome any time and are welcome to stick around as long as you see fit. There's hard ribbon candy in the bowl for you if you get hungry. - The B.O.B.

LIST OF THE TOP 14 AWESOME SHOE CARS!

2009-05-02T03:42:00.000-07:00
Okay, I have decided.

I want, no wait....need....a shoe car.

What is a shoe car? Well by definition it is a car that looks like a shoe. Basically rule of thumb goes like this:

Pretty easy, right? Now, on to the list!

I have gathered the 14 best shoe cars for your pleasure. Here they are listed in order of winsomeness. But first, here are some honorable mentions that didn't quite make the cut and were disqualified for not following all the rules necessary to make the list:

Honorable mention #4: Justin Boot Car

Granted, the cowboy boot is the hardest form of shoe car to perfect. This entry makes a nice attempt, but in the end it is still a SHOE ON A CAR, and not a shoe car. Plus points to you for using a frikkin' hearse though!

Honorable mention #3: Shoe Bike

Sorry shoe bike, but nice try. You are still a bicycle so you don't count plus you are NOT A SHOE. And you look pretty uncomfortable to ride. Maybe some other list, just not this one.

Honorable mention #2: Norwegian Shoe Car

*looks at the Norwegians* Um, guys...you're doing it wrong.
*makes spinny hand gesture*
It's the other way around.

Honorable mention #1: USA Outdoes Norway

This American car; like the Norwegian one, did not understand the contest rules. Unlike its Norwegian counterpart however - this car scores bonus points for the tackiness appeal. This particular "shoe car" is also obviously male - apparent by it's colorful plumage.

NOW....ON TO THE REAL CONTENDERS!!!

#14: Cowboy Black Boot Blues:

Cowboy boot, done in black. Loses points because it needs a bit more body work and shaping to reach its full potential.

#13: Red Bootymobile:

Boot, done in red.

#12: Beige Bomber:

A perfectly respectable beige shoe "quarter-boot" car.

#11: Marshall's Red Pump:

Marshall's throws their hat into the ring with this nice example of the "red pump" shoe. I particularly like the "dune buggy" headlights.

#10: "Just For Men" Red Pump

Yep, as you can see the "red pump" is the most popular shoe car body style. The guy riding in this one knows he's cool.

#9: SkateCar ToePom Classic

Roller Skate + Car = WIN

#8: Retro Nike WINmobile:

As you see, shoe cars are no new trend.
Even back in the day we knew that shoe car = class. Grr, baby!

#7: Classic Red Pump Perfection
One of the best looking "red pump" shoe cars out there. The design and form is just perfect.

#6: Roller Skate in Blue

One of the better roller skate cars out there. The tire toe stopper is the cherry on this masterpiece.

#5: The McShoe

Even Ronald got game.

#4: The Red Pump Peoplemover

YET another version of the "red pump" classic. Not as nice as the other bazillion versions, but pulls ahead of the others because...LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN RIDE IN IT!! Congrats, you have never seen this many Asians in a shoe. Now you can say you have and you have me to thank for it. You're welcome.

#3: Reebok's Blue Bombshell

Reebok, the undeniable CHAMPION of Shoe Cars, started out with a BANG. Here is one of their earlier shoe cars in blue and white.

#2: Reebok's Black Beauty

After the blue car, Reebok stepped up their game with this sexy black beast. VRRRROOOM!

And the #1 Awesome Shoe Car Award goes to......

Reebok, yet again. For their newest model of shoecar badassery:

Side View:

The back:

My God, that's just gorgeous. Rock on, Reebok! Rock on with 'yo bad self...*tips hat*

...thus sayeth the bitter old bitch

Spiders Eating Crazy Shit - FTW!

2009-04-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

Watch your backs guys, Charlotte may seem friendly, but she can tear your shit right up.

It comes as no surprise why so many people are afraid of spiders. Think about it, they're freaky, hairy, and they kill for a living. Add in the fact they have over 400 MILLION YEARS OF EVOLUTION under their belt so they've been perfecting their bad-assery for quite some time. Plus they are opportunists. Sure, most people think about spiders and imagine them nibbling on cutesy little insects in their widdle webs. But hell no - these bastards will not pass up a good meal if they can get it. Here's a few spiders that laugh at those "insect eating dweebs" and prefer a little more meat on their plates:

SNAKES

Believe it or not, some spiders really give snakes a run for their money. But a snake, cool as it may be; lacks ninja skillz. Spiders have that in spades.

"But that's a HUGE spider and a small snake, that's no big accomplishment."

"Oh."

LIZARDS

Lizards. These little bastards have often found spiders are a tasty meal and are more than happy to grab themselves an eight-legged snack when given the chance.

OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

But Mother Nature has a pretty sick sense of humor. And sometimes just for shits and giggles she thinks it is fun to bend the rules of the food chain. ('Cuz she's a bitch like that.)

Revenge. A dish best served cold, or on the side of a barn.

OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

RODENTS

Though many rodents chow down on spiders, some spiders have a long history of making Mickey their bitch.

Pictured: Spider version of "Oz".

Here's a video of a spider eating a mouse. Not for the weak-of-heart. Watch the full version if you enjoy suspense. Those with attention deficit disorders can feel free to jump to 41 seconds in to watch the action.

BIRDS

A well known enemy of spiders, birds can also be sucked into mother nature's "food chain" prank. While many arachnids scatter when they see a bird approaching, others close in for the kill faster than Tony Montana closing in on a cookie jar full of cocaine.

"Say hello to my little friend!"

Chicken. Nummy.

Seriously, it's only a matter of time until they evolve enough to...well, you know...

...and when that day comes, and you feel the venom taking effect, as you're gasping for your last breath your last thoughts will be:

"Damn. That Bitter Old Bitch was right!"

Pleasant dreams, kiddos...

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

RANDOM PICTURE FRIDAY! SUPERSIZED EDITION!

2009-04-30T18:45:00.000-07:00
Can it be another week has slipped on by? Yet again, here are a fistful of random pictures to help you welcome the weekend with style. Today I present to you more than the average "fistful", (think Goatse proportions) because gosh darn it...I like you. Enjoy!

Just for fun: SUBLIMINAL PENISES!

2009-04-29T17:38:00.000-07:00
Sure...why not? I officially proclaim today as official subliminal penis day. Why? Just because, dammit! Don't question my subliminal penis authority.

So anyhow...today...when you are merrily taking a stroll down the street, take a good look around you and revel at the penis imagery that surrounds our daily lives.

HAPPY SUBLIMINAL PENIS DAY EVERYONE!

Dude....nice wood ya got there! *smirk*

Hmm...don't look now, but it looks like you're ready to take something else on too...

Food, parties, crafts, fun...and edible penises. *cough*

Gross! Is that a.....no...can't be...

Dear God it is! EEW!

And that's why he's called the RifleMAN boys and girls...

Wow...this Czech sausage company isn't even TRYING to be subtle, are they?

Looks like Hannah is after the best of both worlds...or cock...yeah, I'm going with cock.

Now why am I suddenly hungry? Hmm...

"Yes sir, I am having a problem with my computer. It seems your sign splooged on my keyboard when I came in."

I would like an Egg McMuffin and a McBoner Latte please.

...thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

Retro goodness: CORN NUTS MASTURBATION COMMERCIAL = WIN!

2009-04-28T05:52:00.000-07:00
Spanking the monkey. Giving yourself the "low" five. Freeing Willy. You don't have to be Willis to know what I'm talkin' 'bout...

But until the early 90's, what we didn't know is that masturbation was synonymous with Corn Nuts. Yes, Corn Nuts.

Now for those of you that have lived in a cave for the past 50 years or so, (or perhaps live overseas) Corn Nuts are a delicious yummy snack made from deep-fried corn kernels. In the US, they are made by Planters and are deee-frikkin-lish.

OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

But one little known fact about Corn Nuts is that they used to have quite a risqué advertising campaign. And this was no "Oops, you took us out of context, that's not what we meant!" sly kind of deal - no, this was full-blown intentional sexual innuendo. The only thing Planters could have done to sex it up even more was to add a dancing midget, rubber hosing, some Vaseline and possibly a yak.

"Shh...WE WANT TO BE INSIDE YOU...MMmmM..."

So, for those of you who didn't have the pleasure of growing up with what could be considered one of the sexiest damn food promotions in history, I present to you the full radio jingle complete with lyrics - mainly aired in the Southern U.S. states - encouraging all of you to do some very naughty things with Corn Nuts:

WARNING: The jingle is very catchy. Don't blame me if you get caught singing it all day.

So next time you're playing with "Rumple Foreskin"...and for some reason you can't stop thinking about a snack - you'll know who to thank.

"Heyyy sweet tits, how about we stop listening to the radio and you go get us some Corn Nuts?" *wink*

(You're welcome.) ;)

....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

NOTE: What? Still can't get enough? Well..here's the other 2 commercials from the same series. I highly recommend the "longue singer" version - which tosses the word "masticate" REPEATEDLY for the *win*. Not shockingly, the campaign ended right after that one. ;)

BUST A NUT COMMERCIAL #2 - MORE SEXY GOODNESS

BUST A NUT COMMERCIAL #3 - LOUNGE SINGER MASTICATION

And now for no reason whatsoever.....

2009-04-26T19:35:00.000-07:00
....a "balloon animal" of Halo's Master Chief.

52 HILARIOUS COSTUME FAILS!

2009-04-26T16:38:00.000-07:00
Okay, some of them aren't so bad (I'd actually wear a few) but a few are just....YIKES!

Here is a compilation of costumes-gone-wrong:

#52 - BERT AND ERNIE FAIL:

#51 - WOLVERINE FAIL:
FORKS! LOL.

#50 - VINTAGE PHONE FAIL:

#49 - TOILET FAIL:

#48 - iPHONE FAIL:

#47 - DALEK FAIL:

#46 - GREAT PUMPKIN FAIL:

#45 - SKELETOR FAIL:

#44 - OPTIMUS PRIME FAIL:

#43 - NINTENDO FANBOY FAIL:

#42 - OPERATION GAME FAIL:
(This wouldn't be so bad if one..*cough*.."bone" didn't seem out of place.)

#41 - STREETFIGHTER FAIL (GOUKI):

#40 - CARE BEAR FAIL:
Well, now I know what will be in my nightmares tonight. Whee!

#39 - STORMTROOPER + VADER FAIL:

#38 - GUNDAM FAIL:

#37 - SMURF FAIL:

#36 - CUPCAKE FAIL:
She looks just THRILLED to be wearing that, doesn't she?

#35 - JOKER FAIL (x2!):

#34 - DOMINATRIX BIRDO FAIL:
I don't even wanna know.

#33 - PIZZA BOX FAIL:
(I assume that must be a sausage and meatball pizza inside.)

#32 - EGGROLL FAIL:

(Admit it, at first glance did you see an eggroll or a walking dog turd?)

#31 - DUFFMAN FAIL:

#30 - CAPTAIN PLANET FAIL:

#29 - CHEWBACCA FAIL:

#28 - WONDER WOMAN FAIL:

#27 - DEATH STAR FAIL:

#26 - SPIDERMAN FAIL:

#25 - ELMO FAIL:

#24 - CLOUD FROM FINAL FANTASY VII FAIL:

#23 - TEAM ROCKET FAIL:

#22 - TURKEY FAIL:

#21 - PIKACHU FAIL:

#20 - NINJA TURTLE FAIL:

#19 - NINJA TURTLE FAIL PART DEUX:

#18 - NINJA TURTLE POODLE FAIL:

#17 - GREATEST AMERICAN HERO FAIL:

#16 - ALIEN FAIL:

#15 - WALL-E FAIL:

#14 - BOBA FETT FAIL:

#13 - TIGGER WITH SPIDERMAN UNDEROOS FAIL:

#12 - RACIST ARAB TERRORIST SUICIDE BOMBER KITTY FAIL:

#11 - BIRD DUDE MADE OF COKE CANS FAIL:

#10 - C-3PO FAIL:

#9 - TOOTH FAIRY FAIL:

#8 - I-HAVE-NO-IDEA-WHAT-IS-GOING-ON-HERE-BUT-IT-NEEDS-TO-STOP FAIL:

#7 - SONIC THE HEDGEHOG FAIL:

#6 - HE-MAN FAIL:

#5 - FREDDY KRUEGER FAIL:

#4 - SLAVE LEIA SPARROW FAIL:

#3 - WORLD TRADE CENTER FAIL:

#2 - HALO MASTER CHIEF FAIL:

#1 - IRON MAN FAIL:

REASON #13,625 FOR WHY YOU SHOULDN'T DO METH: (WARNING - VERY VERY GROSS! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!)

2009-04-26T13:45:00.000-07:00
......because doing meth can lead to you thinking disemboweling yourself is a *good* idea. Yeah, really kiddos!

Like this guy...

--click for larger image if you can stomach it.--
(Whazaa! Pun of the day! XD)

(NOTE: This is an actual graphic documentation of a true case. After becoming high on meth this gentleman started cutting himself open. He ended up surviving his injuries, but damn...just DAMN! If you've ever thought of doing meth, I hope this image is burned in all you whippersnappers' young minds!)

Meth is bad, mmmkay?.....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

HEY, NICE BEAVER!

2009-04-26T13:11:00.000-07:00
No really...a very nice beaver...

...welcoming people on the Canadian border. Why not?

PRINTER-HATING KITTY CAT

2009-04-26T12:54:00.000-07:00
You know what? I hate printers too. Last time I tried printing some online coupons for my ensure drinks the damn thing jammed on me. I should invite this cat over and have it teach my printer who is the boss.

Hamster Snack-a-Thon

2009-04-26T12:45:00.001-07:00
In case you need your daily dose of "OMFG HOW CUTE", here is a hamster stuffing itself silly with carrots and sunflower seeds. Which you will probably enjoy. I tried to enjoy it, but was still too angry after spending the entire weekend trying to keep those damn kids out of my yard. Pfft, young'uns. Always out there enjoying themselves. Next time I'm throwing my walker at them. Just sayin'.

TOY COMMERCIAL = FAIL!

2009-04-25T17:32:00.000-07:00
Once upon a time in the dark ages (we like to call that the sixties, children), some nimrod came up with what he thought would be the "new toy craze". Obviously inspired by hula-hoops, the toy industry gave us....the SWING WING.

"Hey kids, who wants a big case of neck strain and whiplash? How about you, little Johnny?" *grin* "As an added bonus kids, you get to look like a total douche when you are using this innovative product!"

TEN AWESOME TOILETS I'D LOVE TO OWN

2009-04-24T05:18:00.000-07:00
Pooping. We all have to do it. So why do we sit and do our business on boring white porcelain? We live in an age where almost everything has been made for the better - cans of soda no longer have aluminum pull rings and hell, you can clap your damn hands and turn the lights on and off. But yet we still sit on the same old boring white toilets. WHY?? WHY???

So, today I present to you a rundown of the top ten toilets that have come about that I wouldn't mind sitting my bitter old ass upon:

TOILET #10 - THE AQUARIUM TOILET:

Pros: It is awesomely cool and will make your bathroom pop with color. This one even has Sponge Bob inside for the win.

Cons: You not only have to clean your toilet, but an aquarium too. Plus feed the fish (though if you don't at least there is easy-access burial system attached *fluuuussh*!) Plus, If there is a system of reincarnation - I imagine being brought back to the world as a fish with nothing to do but watch people poop for the rest of your short life must rank somewhere on the bottom rungs of the reincarnation ladder.

TOILET #9 - THE MEAT TOILET:

Pros: Looks cool, plus people won't ask to borrow your bathroom anymore when they come over. Perfect for the Atkins-dieter.

Cons: Doesn't look that comfortable to sit on, and the "tank" is slightly disturbing. O_o

TOILET #8 - THE SADDLE TOILET:

Pros: Looks comfortable - check out that padding! It may look funny, but next time you are taking that two-flush mega shit (you know what I mean) yeah, that horrible painful "why did I eat so many nachos" poop? Well, next time you're taking one of those, you'll fondly remember this blog entry and suddenly wish you had one of these. Mark my words.

Cons: I SEE NO WAY TO FLUSH THIS?!?! EEW.

TOILET #7 - THE BLING BLING TOILET:

Pros: Because as the last decade has taught us, if you want to make something better and classier, all you have to do is bedazzle the shit out of it with rhinestones.

Cons: I ain't cleaning this thing.

TOILET #6 - THE "HOME OFFICE" TOILET:

Pros: Lumbar support FTW! Plus, I may actually get my college assignments done on time with this.

Cons: Fax machines are soooo 1994.

TOILET #5 - THE RAVER TOILET:
Thanks to the makers of the Galactika toilet seat cover, you too can turn your toilet into a better pimped-out version of its former self complete with LED lights. Just check out this video:

Pros: Pretty sweet for parties, makes taking a crap in the dark easier.

Cons: Needs more cowbell. More light colors and action, please? If those lights would dance to the bass of my bowl farts - then I could give it a definite YES. Could be tweaked for the better.

TOILET #4 - THE "4:20" TOILET:
Because how many stoners do you know wished in one point of their lives they could make a bong out of the john? Well, now someone has started the process by making a pipe:

Pros: Pretty stylish and contemporary - I like it! Perfect for the smoking aficionado. With exception to the back crevice, looks pretty easy to clean.

Cons: Though not with the toilet, grandma's bathroom tile surrounding that sucker has got to go. *shudder*

TOILET #3 - THE SKI JUMP TOILET:

Pros: FUN! FUN! Sure makes a tiny bathroom look bigger, doesn't it?

Cons: Not suitable for those with a fear of heights or ski jumping in general.

TOILET #2 - THE SANTA TOILET:

Pros: Now when you decorate for Christmas, you can finally go beyond that cheap novelty Santa toilet seat cover Aunt Margie bought you years ago...

Cons: If it doesn't act like a snow globe when flushed, it hasn't reached its full potential yet.

AND NOW...FINALLY..TOILET #1.......

THE "EVERYTHING" TOILET:

Pros: Need I say more?

Cons: Wonder how the pizza delivery guy will feel when being forced to deliver to me directly on the toilet? Oh well...worth finding out! Hope he accepts rolls of Charmin for a tip...

....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

RANDOM PICTURE FRIDAY!

2009-04-24T00:53:00.001-07:00
Friday is here once again, here are some random pictures to get your weekend started right:

HAPPY FRIDAY, YA'LL!!!!! - thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

Suck-butt Comic Strips - PART ONE: ZIGGY & CATHY

2009-04-23T23:35:00.000-07:00
NOTE: Wow...take a few days off and suddenly over 20,000 visitors!?! No idea what happened there, normally I am alone blabbering away on my blog, full-knowing that my little corner of the web is definitely located somewhere in the asscrack of the internet and figuring that nobody would find it and I'd be only entertaining myself. O_o Well, glad you guys liked the My Little Pony Post. :P Thanks I-am-bored for featuring that article! You guys ROCK!

Anyhow, off to a post that needs to be made. My apologies if your favorite comic strip lands on my shit-list today or in the future, but it needs to be said:

Growing up, I would fight my father for the Sunday paper at the breakfast table. Back then (read: no PS3, kiddos!) the Sunday comics were a thing to be cherished. Even at the risk that my BooBerry would get soggy I would try to take my time and read slowly, in an attempt to stretch out the entertainment value. I tried to do my best to focus on each single strip - and desperately tried not to let my eyes wander and see pictures from other panels so I wouldn't "ruin the surprise" by accidentally reading another comic inadvertently in advance. But some comics...I TRIED my best to avoid looking at altogether, because the suckage was too great for my little mind to handle. Week after week I tried, but yet I would always give in to the pressure and read these shitty comics, in desperate hopes that "this week it will be good". Here are a few who never failed - and were always guaranteed to be the epitome of crap:

FIRST OFFENDER OF SUCKAGE : ZIGGY - The strip so funny you'll want to throw a toaster in your bathtub.

UGH. Let's hope NOT.

I know this will ruffle some feathers, some people (mostly born before 1961) seem to worship at the alter of Ziggy thinking he is as awesome as awesome gets. I beg to differ. He somehow became a huge pop-culture icon in the 70's and 80's, making his way up the ladder of comic fame; finding himself blazened across 3/4 sleeve t-shirts and various craptastic merchandise everywhere. (Who knew there was a demand for CHRISTMAS-themed EASTER eggs, anyway?)

Obviously Ziggy has no frikkin' idea how holidays work.

REASONS WHY ZIGGY SUCKS:
1. He's badly drawn.
2. He normally appears in just one panel (the lazy bastard method of artistry).
3. His sole purpose is to make you attempt suicide.

Honestly, that's the catch. Ziggy's whole "hook" is that he is the guy who just can't win (much like a shittier version of Charlie Brown). But unlike Charlie, this guy is so sad he doesn't even have friends to mock his daily life. No wife, no girlfriend, just a few pets (dog, cat, and occasional parrot) who are forced against their will to live with sorry fat bastard in his depressing world hoping he finally drowns in his tear-soaked pillow at night.

In case you've never read Ziggy - here is a delightful example of the comic, giving you a glimpse of the entertainment Ziggy has to offer:

Wow. The joy overflows. Thanks Ziggy. Now, let me go hang myself now that you reminded me I still haven't paid the electric bill...

ANOTHER HOT MESS: CATHY

Work it, you sexy bitch, you!...Oh wait...

Another sad sack of bullshit is the comic affectionately known as "Cathy". Cathy hit it big with women everywhere in the 80's - ending up taped to office filing cabinets of the dieting and shopping-obsessed everywhere back in the day.

REASONS WHY CATHY SUCKS:

1. Plain and simple, she's an annoying neurotic bitch.

Yes, welcome to the world of Cathy. A world where basically dieting and feeling insufficient is the flavor of the day, everyday. The idea that seeing a woman flip out over the smallest things (mainly just dieting and shopping) may have been cute to begin with, but after years of plowing through this ranting bitch's insanity - the joke does get old after a while.

Here are a few gems taken from the archives of Cathy - Prozac anyone?

GAG.

Stay tuned next week for part 2....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

Top Twenty Strange My Little Customised Ponies

2009-04-19T12:52:00.000-07:00
Obviously there are a ton of people out there with a hobby I never knew existed - what is this hobby you ask? Create custom bastardized My Little Ponies. :D Seriously. I wish I could do things like that myself - I'm pretty jealous! Talk about using art in a way I can enjoy for once! If only the original ponies I had as a kid were this cool!

Hmmm....I wonder if I can get myself a dia de los muertos pony?

Anyhow, here are the top twenty crazy "My Little WTFs" I was able to scurry up for your viewing pleasure...enjoy!:

#20: MY LITTLE BOBA FETT

#19: MY LITTLE CAPTAIN JACK

#18: MY LITTLE WORF

#17: MY LITTLE ZOMBIE

#16: MY LITTLE STORMTROOPER

#15: MY LITTLE MEGATRON

#14: MY LITTLE BATMAN AND ROBIN

#13: MY LITTLE BODY WORLDS PONY

#12: MY LITTLE CHEWBACCA

#11: MY LITTLE TROJAN HORSE

#10: MY LITTLE ALIEN

#9: MY LITTLE MASTER CHIEF

#8: MY LITTLE BRIDE FROM KILL BILL

#7: MY LITTLE HE-MAN

(which wouldn't be complete without....)

#6: MY LITTLE SKELETOR

#5: MY LITTLE JOKER

#4: MY LITTLE SPIDERMAN

#3: MY LITTLE EDWARD SCISSORHANDS

#2: MY LITTLE SLAVE LEIA

#1: MY LITTLE MR. T

NOTE: Special thanks goes out to the nice folks over at My Little Pony Arena - who are some really cool people with a good sense of humor. If you want to get yourself hooked up with your own little MLP custom, check out their forums and ask around, I'm sure they'll be happy to help.

Kinda Cool: Bloody Bathroom Accessories.

2009-04-13T07:18:00.000-07:00
Want to freak out your friends the next time they ask "Where's your bathroom?", or maybe just looking for that perfect finishing touch to your "Hi, I'm a serial killer!" home decor?

Check out this matching shower curtain and bath mat set:

Coming to that "creepy guy down the hallway's dorm room" near you. ;)

Billy Mitchell acts like an ass....(shocker!)

2009-04-13T06:23:00.000-07:00
America's favorite video-game champion shitstain exploits a glitch at Ms. Pac Man and wows his butt-sniffer cronies. His explination for the "magic" he provides is pure "Mitchellness" gold...

DOUCHE.

If you have no idea who this freak is, for the love of all that is holy, please see "King of Kong, Fistful of Quarters". A must see for those who revel in all things nerddery. You can't claim yourself a true nerd without seeing this documentary at least twice! The trailer is below...watch it and then tell me you aren't interested.: ;)

JUST AWESOME: Mouse vs. Praying Mantis

2009-04-13T00:13:00.000-07:00
Cute little mouse gets pwned by a praying mantis. (Yeah, really!)

Massive Mugshot FAIL!

2009-04-12T03:00:00.000-07:00
Not sure if it was meant to be a joke, but someone in this newsroom messed up royally. The serious story of a missing girl gets whomped when the mugshot of the main suspect gets shown...and it turns out to be a cute cuddly widdle hamster.

The best ghetto cartoon music video ever!

2009-04-11T15:52:00.000-07:00
Should be shown to every kid out there today. WARNING: NSFW language!

My favorite line: "Buy some land, buy some land...FUCK SPINNING RIMS!"

Hell yeah. Enjoy.