TEN AWESOME TOILETS I'D LOVE TO OWN

Pooping. We all have to do it. So why do we sit and do our business on boring white porcelain? We live in an age where almost everything has been made for the better - cans of soda no longer have aluminum pull rings and hell, you can clap your damn hands and turn the lights on and off. But yet we still sit on the same old boring white toilets. WHY?? WHY???

So, today I present to you a rundown of the top ten toilets that have come about that I wouldn't mind sitting my bitter old ass upon:

TOILET #10 - THE AQUARIUM TOILET:


Pros: It is awesomely cool and will make your bathroom pop with color. This one even has Sponge Bob inside for the win.

Cons: You not only have to clean your toilet, but an aquarium too. Plus feed the fish (though if you don't at least there is easy-access burial system attached *fluuuussh*!) Plus, If there is a system of reincarnation - I imagine being brought back to the world as a fish with nothing to do but watch people poop for the rest of your short life must rank somewhere on the bottom rungs of the reincarnation ladder.

TOILET #9 - THE MEAT TOILET:


Pros: Looks cool, plus people won't ask to borrow your bathroom anymore when they come over. Perfect for the Atkins-dieter.

Cons: Doesn't look that comfortable to sit on, and the "tank" is slightly disturbing. O_o


TOILET #8 - THE SADDLE TOILET:


Pros: Looks comfortable - check out that padding! It may look funny, but next time you are taking that two-flush mega shit (you know what I mean) yeah, that horrible painful "why did I eat so many nachos" poop? Well, next time you're taking one of those, you'll fondly remember this blog entry and suddenly wish you had one of these. Mark my words.

Cons: I SEE NO WAY TO FLUSH THIS?!?! EEW.

TOILET #7 - THE BLING BLING TOILET:


Pros: Because as the last decade has taught us, if you want to make something better and classier, all you have to do is bedazzle the shit out of it with rhinestones.

Cons: I ain't cleaning this thing.

TOILET #6 - THE "HOME OFFICE" TOILET:


Pros: Lumbar support FTW! Plus, I may actually get my college assignments done on time with this.

Cons: Fax machines are soooo 1994.

TOILET #5 - THE RAVER TOILET:
Thanks to the makers of the Galactika toilet seat cover, you too can turn your toilet into a better pimped-out version of its former self complete with LED lights. Just check out this video:


Pros: Pretty sweet for parties, makes taking a crap in the dark easier.

Cons: Needs more cowbell. More light colors and action, please? If those lights would dance to the bass of my bowl farts - then I could give it a definite YES. Could be tweaked for the better.

TOILET #4 - THE "4:20" TOILET:
Because how many stoners do you know wished in one point of their lives they could make a bong out of the john? Well, now someone has started the process by making a pipe:


Pros: Pretty stylish and contemporary - I like it! Perfect for the smoking aficionado. With exception to the back crevice, looks pretty easy to clean.

Cons: Though not with the toilet, grandma's bathroom tile surrounding that sucker has got to go. *shudder*

TOILET #3 - THE SKI JUMP TOILET:


Pros: FUN! FUN! Sure makes a tiny bathroom look bigger, doesn't it?

Cons: Not suitable for those with a fear of heights or ski jumping in general.

TOILET #2 - THE SANTA TOILET:


Pros: Now when you decorate for Christmas, you can finally go beyond that cheap novelty Santa toilet seat cover Aunt Margie bought you years ago...


Cons: If it doesn't act like a snow globe when flushed, it hasn't reached its full potential yet.

AND NOW...FINALLY..TOILET #1.......


THE "EVERYTHING" TOILET:


Pros: Need I say more?

Cons: Wonder how the pizza delivery guy will feel when being forced to deliver to me directly on the toilet? Oh well...worth finding out! Hope he accepts rolls of Charmin for a tip...

....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.