Suck-butt Comic Strips - PART TWO: MARK TRAIL

I don't even wanna know what just happened here.

If there is anyone I feel sorry for, it's the artists responsible for Mark Trail. Especially Jack Elrod.

Mark Trail is perhaps the longest-running shitty comic strip to date. It began in April 1946 as only what I can conclude as a sick joke against nature artists everywhere that nobody ever had the balls to stop.

For those of you unfamiliar with Mark Trail, the premise is simple - create a comic that focuses on ecology and the environment. Kinda like a flannel-shirt wearing Captain Planet, but with BUTTLOADS random and unneeded nature scenes.

The problem is that Mark Trail is not only boring, the idea of making a comic that must carry some "Earth Day-esque" message is a heck of a lot of work. In the same amount of space that it takes for Garfield to smell some lasagna or Charlie to kick a damn football, Mark Trail has to convince you to save the frikkin' planet. And you thought your boss had unreal demands.

Mark Trail always has the same formula...and it never fails to deliver:

1. Storyline is based on saving the planet.
2. There will be an assload of text to read.
3. A GIANT RANDOM NATURE SHOT (usually of an animal) will hijack the strip.
RANDOM GIANT HAWK FOR THE WIN!


Mark Trail's problem lies with number 3 on the list. Remember, they still have to somehow squeeze the "save the earth" message in just a few panels, which makes it hard when some giant fuckin' fish is taking up half the page. But thankfully, this one quirk of Mark Trail is cause for unexpected laughs as the artist is forced to to squeeze speech bubbles near the animals. This speech-bubble misplacement often leads to the strips only saving grace; the animals appear to be talking.

Little did everyone know, pigeons love to gamble.

Teamster Chipmunk.

In an attempt to lower "car-on-moose" hate crimes, moose decide to beef up road security.


Well thank goodness the Trout remembered to go to the bank!


BEST. TALKING. BEAR. EVER.

Thanks fate, for making a shitty comic strip somewhat bearable. Heh.

.....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

Spiders Eating Crazy Shit - FTW!

Watch your backs guys, Charlotte may seem friendly, but she can tear your shit right up.

It comes as no surprise why so many people are afraid of spiders. Think about it, they're freaky, hairy, and they kill for a living. Add in the fact they have over 400 MILLION YEARS OF EVOLUTION under their belt so they've been perfecting their bad-assery for quite some time. Plus they are opportunists. Sure, most people think about spiders and imagine them nibbling on cutesy little insects in their widdle webs. But hell no - these bastards will not pass up a good meal if they can get it. Here's a few spiders that laugh at those "insect eating dweebs" and prefer a little more meat on their plates:

SNAKES

Believe it or not, some spiders really give snakes a run for their money. But a snake, cool as it may be; lacks ninja skillz. Spiders have that in spades.


"But that's a HUGE spider and a small snake, that's no big accomplishment."


"Oh."

LIZARDS

Lizards. These little bastards have often found spiders are a tasty meal and are more than happy to grab themselves an eight-legged snack when given the chance.


OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

But Mother Nature has a pretty sick sense of humor. And sometimes just for shits and giggles she thinks it is fun to bend the rules of the food chain. ('Cuz she's a bitch like that.)


Revenge. A dish best served cold, or on the side of a barn.


OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

RODENTS

Though many rodents chow down on spiders, some spiders have a long history of making Mickey their bitch.


Pictured: Spider version of "Oz".

Here's a video of a spider eating a mouse. Not for the weak-of-heart. Watch the full version if you enjoy suspense. Those with attention deficit disorders can feel free to jump to 41 seconds in to watch the action.



BIRDS

A well known enemy of spiders, birds can also be sucked into mother nature's "food chain" prank. While many arachnids scatter when they see a bird approaching, others close in for the kill faster than Tony Montana closing in on a cookie jar full of cocaine.


"Say hello to my little friend!"


Chicken. Nummy.


Seriously, it's only a matter of time until they evolve enough to...well, you know...





...and when that day comes, and you feel the venom taking effect, as you're gasping for your last breath your last thoughts will be:

"Damn. That Bitter Old Bitch was right!"




Pleasant dreams, kiddos...

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

RANDOM PICTURE FRIDAY! SUPERSIZED EDITION!

Can it be another week has slipped on by? Yet again, here are a fistful of random pictures to help you welcome the weekend with style. Today I present to you more than the average "fistful", (think Goatse proportions) because gosh darn it...I like you. Enjoy!