Retro Goodness: DANGEROUS TOYS OF YESTERYEAR (that we all loved!)

Meet the Marquis DeSade of the Toy World. Say hello, Willy.


Have you ever wondered why today's generation seems so hopeless? Somehow it seems that those of us born in the eighties, seventies, and prior are just a bit...well...smarter than those kids today, doesn't it?

Well, it's true. Know why?

BECAUSE WE HAD TOYS THAT COULD KILL US.

Yes, nothing says "motivational learning experience" more than pain will. Back in the day our toys taught us valuable lessons, and those that were too lazy or dumb to adapt, well...Darwinism took it's toll on our generation didn't it? Those of us that survived the "thinning of the herd" know darn well that paperclips don't go in electric sockets, and that no matter how much Jimmy Anderson dares you, it isn't worth trying to successfully catch a lawn dart in your mouth. Nope. We took our licks, but we ended up wiser, more well-rounded individuals. Can't say the same for the overprotected kids of today.

So here, without further ado - is a roundup of wild toys from the past that even though they could maim and kill, we still played with and loved every damn minute of it:

Toys That Would Cut You Up:
(examples: Ice Bird, Tonka Trucks, Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine)

Ice Bird

Ice Bird. Because nothing spells “FUN!” like a rubber ducky with a razor-sharp cheese grater on his ass.




Toys That Would Beat Your Sorry Ass Silly:
(examples: Willy Water Bug, Fun Fountain, Water Wiggle, clackers, Bing Bang Boing!)

Water Wiggle

*shakes fist in anger* Oh water wiggle, how I remember thee…you may have won the battle but you have not won the war! I still plot my vengeance…someday I shall tame you and you will bow down before me.

Willy The Water Bug

Ahh, Willy. Attach him to a garden hose and watch his watery tentacles whip in the air, just begging you to tempt fate and try to jump him. And as soon as you do, he'll lash your legs and genitals so hard you'll have welts. Lesson learned, Willie. Granted, you gave us fair warning with your box art of you whipping the hell out of some kids. We should have paid more attention. (Thanks TOLTOYS for the lovely image.)

Johnny Reb Cannon

Pledging your allegiance to the Confederates whilst firing hard plastic cannonballs that fly up to 35 feet at your friends? Now how could that possibly go wrong?

Bing Bang Boing!

The greatest lesson in physics; a flying metal ball moving at a high rate of speed will provide enough force to knock out your teeth if given the chance.




Toys that would BURN THE SHIT OUTTA YOU:
(examples: Creepy Crawlers, Mattel Vac-U-Form, Easy Bake Oven, Soldering Kits, Wood Burning Kits)


Vac-U-Form Machine by Mattel:


The virtual trifecta of danger.

1. Hot Plate? Check.
2. Melted Hot Plastic? Check.
3. Sharp knife to trim your molds? Check and check!


Creepy Crawlers


I know, let's bake creatures out of toxic goo using a burning hot plate! YESSSS!

Easy Bake Oven


Good ol' Easy Bake. Thanks to you I learned that handling a hot cake pan without an oven mitt is never a great idea. Thanks for teaching me, I'd be fingerless today without you!




Toys That Just Cut to the Chase and KILLED you:
(examples: Lawn Darts, Fireworks, Dad's Table Saw)

Lawn Darts a.k.a. "Jarts"



Death in a box. 'Nuff said.





Toys That You Dangerously Rode in The Street:
(examples: Big Wheels, roller skates, The Outrider, Green Machine, skateboards)

The Outrider


The Outrider. Knees and knuckles, prepare to be skinned!

Big Wheel


Big Wheel. Now check out this awesome commercials. How many helmets and knee pads do you see? Now...count the awesome spin-outs. Is it little wonder we loved these things until we wore a flat hole in the front tire?

Green Machine


Green Machine, for when you outgrew your Big Wheel, but you weren't about to relinquish your title of "neighborhood knievel".





Toys That Would IRRADIATE You:
(examples: Not shockingly, this is the only one that I know of.)

Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab


Yeah, back in the day you could buy a toy kit that had a Geiger counter AND three…count ‘em…three radioactive sources included in the box. I ask you, what other generation can boast badassery like that? NONE. So stand up and be proud.


....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.