Retro Goodness: DANGEROUS TOYS OF YESTERYEAR (that we all loved!)

Meet the Marquis DeSade of the Toy World. Say hello, Willy.


Have you ever wondered why today's generation seems so hopeless? Somehow it seems that those of us born in the eighties, seventies, and prior are just a bit...well...smarter than those kids today, doesn't it?

Well, it's true. Know why?

BECAUSE WE HAD TOYS THAT COULD KILL US.

Yes, nothing says "motivational learning experience" more than pain will. Back in the day our toys taught us valuable lessons, and those that were too lazy or dumb to adapt, well...Darwinism took it's toll on our generation didn't it? Those of us that survived the "thinning of the herd" know darn well that paperclips don't go in electric sockets, and that no matter how much Jimmy Anderson dares you, it isn't worth trying to successfully catch a lawn dart in your mouth. Nope. We took our licks, but we ended up wiser, more well-rounded individuals. Can't say the same for the overprotected kids of today.

So here, without further ado - is a roundup of wild toys from the past that even though they could maim and kill, we still played with and loved every damn minute of it:

Toys That Would Cut You Up:
(examples: Ice Bird, Tonka Trucks, Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine)

Ice Bird

Ice Bird. Because nothing spells “FUN!” like a rubber ducky with a razor-sharp cheese grater on his ass.




Toys That Would Beat Your Sorry Ass Silly:
(examples: Willy Water Bug, Fun Fountain, Water Wiggle, clackers, Bing Bang Boing!)

Water Wiggle

*shakes fist in anger* Oh water wiggle, how I remember thee…you may have won the battle but you have not won the war! I still plot my vengeance…someday I shall tame you and you will bow down before me.

Willy The Water Bug

Ahh, Willy. Attach him to a garden hose and watch his watery tentacles whip in the air, just begging you to tempt fate and try to jump him. And as soon as you do, he'll lash your legs and genitals so hard you'll have welts. Lesson learned, Willie. Granted, you gave us fair warning with your box art of you whipping the hell out of some kids. We should have paid more attention. (Thanks TOLTOYS for the lovely image.)

Johnny Reb Cannon

Pledging your allegiance to the Confederates whilst firing hard plastic cannonballs that fly up to 35 feet at your friends? Now how could that possibly go wrong?

Bing Bang Boing!

The greatest lesson in physics; a flying metal ball moving at a high rate of speed will provide enough force to knock out your teeth if given the chance.




Toys that would BURN THE SHIT OUTTA YOU:
(examples: Creepy Crawlers, Mattel Vac-U-Form, Easy Bake Oven, Soldering Kits, Wood Burning Kits)


Vac-U-Form Machine by Mattel:


The virtual trifecta of danger.

1. Hot Plate? Check.
2. Melted Hot Plastic? Check.
3. Sharp knife to trim your molds? Check and check!


Creepy Crawlers


I know, let's bake creatures out of toxic goo using a burning hot plate! YESSSS!

Easy Bake Oven


Good ol' Easy Bake. Thanks to you I learned that handling a hot cake pan without an oven mitt is never a great idea. Thanks for teaching me, I'd be fingerless today without you!




Toys That Just Cut to the Chase and KILLED you:
(examples: Lawn Darts, Fireworks, Dad's Table Saw)

Lawn Darts a.k.a. "Jarts"



Death in a box. 'Nuff said.





Toys That You Dangerously Rode in The Street:
(examples: Big Wheels, roller skates, The Outrider, Green Machine, skateboards)

The Outrider


The Outrider. Knees and knuckles, prepare to be skinned!

Big Wheel


Big Wheel. Now check out this awesome commercials. How many helmets and knee pads do you see? Now...count the awesome spin-outs. Is it little wonder we loved these things until we wore a flat hole in the front tire?

Green Machine


Green Machine, for when you outgrew your Big Wheel, but you weren't about to relinquish your title of "neighborhood knievel".





Toys That Would IRRADIATE You:
(examples: Not shockingly, this is the only one that I know of.)

Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab


Yeah, back in the day you could buy a toy kit that had a Geiger counter AND three…count ‘em…three radioactive sources included in the box. I ask you, what other generation can boast badassery like that? NONE. So stand up and be proud.


....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!: Tonka Dump Truck

Okay kiddies of yesteryear, how many of you are sick and tired of seeing the things you loved dearly from your childhood being changed for the worse?

I'm looking at you, kids born before 1985. Kids who grew up with dangerous toys and loved every damn minute of it. Kids who lived in rooms with lead paint on the walls. Kids who rode their bicycles and skateboards down the street and never needed any pansy-ass elbow pads or helmets...kids who rode their Big Wheels down the slide just for hell of it...yeah, you...

...stand up and give the Bitter Old Bitch an "Amen"!

I'm tired of seeing everything I once loved, cartoons, toys, whatever - all changed to fit this new world order of bullshittery. Today, I give you one example of awesomeness that has become pussified with the times. Today, we're talking about:

THE TONKA DUMP TRUCK

Now THAT is what Willis was talkin' 'bout!

Yes, the mighty Tonka Dump Truck. It had sharp metal edges that could slice you six ways from Sunday, and if your truck was well-loved, enough rust on it to give an entire 3rd world country lockjaw. But it was tough, damn tough. It was your playground friend, you could haul anything in that sucker...from 15 pounds of dirt to an entire grocery bag full of Legos. And it could even carry YOU. Yes, many a child bored with hauling around gravel ended up sitting on it and taking it for a ride down a sloped driveway. And if you were lucky enough to have two (or a friend who also owned one) it was only a matter of time before someone put their feet in them and tried the infamous "Tonka Truck Rollerskate Supreme". Those were the days, my friends...those were the days.


Pictured: Sharp metal edges and an assload of fun.

Tonka Trucks were quality, and no matter how much abuse you gave them, they held up. How many toy cars these days can a child actually sit on and ride without the axel snapping in half the minute more than 2 lbs of pressure is applied? ZERO. But Tonka...Tonka could do it, and we loved it.

This my friends, is what a Tonka Truck used to be; molten metal could only dream of being formed into something so bad-ass:


HELL TO THE YEAH.

But what about today? Well, luckily (or not!) Tonka still makes dump trucks. But, they've...well...changed...*cough* the design a little. You know, to adhere to modern safety standards. Because kids today need to be protected all the time. Not like us heathens, whose parents would toss some lawn darts in our hands and smack us on the ass and force us to go out and play with them (unattended of course!).

Brace yourselves. Yes folks...this is what a Tonka Dump Truck is today:


WTFBBQ.

Tonka, take your colorful plastic piece of shit and give me my rusty metal death trap back! And STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!

...thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.