STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!: Tonka Dump Truck

Okay kiddies of yesteryear, how many of you are sick and tired of seeing the things you loved dearly from your childhood being changed for the worse?

I'm looking at you, kids born before 1985. Kids who grew up with dangerous toys and loved every damn minute of it. Kids who lived in rooms with lead paint on the walls. Kids who rode their bicycles and skateboards down the street and never needed any pansy-ass elbow pads or helmets...kids who rode their Big Wheels down the slide just for hell of it...yeah, you...

...stand up and give the Bitter Old Bitch an "Amen"!

I'm tired of seeing everything I once loved, cartoons, toys, whatever - all changed to fit this new world order of bullshittery. Today, I give you one example of awesomeness that has become pussified with the times. Today, we're talking about:

THE TONKA DUMP TRUCK

Now THAT is what Willis was talkin' 'bout!

Yes, the mighty Tonka Dump Truck. It had sharp metal edges that could slice you six ways from Sunday, and if your truck was well-loved, enough rust on it to give an entire 3rd world country lockjaw. But it was tough, damn tough. It was your playground friend, you could haul anything in that sucker...from 15 pounds of dirt to an entire grocery bag full of Legos. And it could even carry YOU. Yes, many a child bored with hauling around gravel ended up sitting on it and taking it for a ride down a sloped driveway. And if you were lucky enough to have two (or a friend who also owned one) it was only a matter of time before someone put their feet in them and tried the infamous "Tonka Truck Rollerskate Supreme". Those were the days, my friends...those were the days.


Pictured: Sharp metal edges and an assload of fun.

Tonka Trucks were quality, and no matter how much abuse you gave them, they held up. How many toy cars these days can a child actually sit on and ride without the axel snapping in half the minute more than 2 lbs of pressure is applied? ZERO. But Tonka...Tonka could do it, and we loved it.

This my friends, is what a Tonka Truck used to be; molten metal could only dream of being formed into something so bad-ass:


HELL TO THE YEAH.

But what about today? Well, luckily (or not!) Tonka still makes dump trucks. But, they've...well...changed...*cough* the design a little. You know, to adhere to modern safety standards. Because kids today need to be protected all the time. Not like us heathens, whose parents would toss some lawn darts in our hands and smack us on the ass and force us to go out and play with them (unattended of course!).

Brace yourselves. Yes folks...this is what a Tonka Dump Truck is today:


WTFBBQ.

Tonka, take your colorful plastic piece of shit and give me my rusty metal death trap back! And STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!

...thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

Something that really burns my toast: Websites and video blocked OUTSIDE of the USA

If there is one thing that pisses me off, is not getting to watch all the great shows from back at home that are available to every other American. Yeah, I live overseas, but seriously does that mean people outside the USA shouldn't get to watch everything else on the internet?

The internet is global - not designated to whatever patch of dirt you happen to be sitting on! I'd happily contribute to their advertising dollars by watching my favorite episodes and clips or listening to the radio; ALL COMPLETE with commercials if given a chance. Seems to me there is an opportunity here for even more revenue for these companies via the international market - and they're blowing it. THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE AMERICA'S BORDERS, AND GUESS WHAT? WE WATCH TV AND LISTEN TO THE RADIO TOO! Yes, believe it or not we aren't sitting in caves just dreaming of the day when we too will invent the wheel and be like the awesome fairytale country called Americaland.

Here are a few sites that make my wall of shame:

OFFENDER #1: HULU



Hulu.com has taken over. NBC, FOX and CBS clips? Fahgheddaboutit. And to think about all the millions these bastards tossed away in advertising this year (Superbowl commercial anyone?) and yet I am willing to bet their execs are sitting in a boardroom right now whining that they aren't as profitable as they wish to be...and if only there was a solution to bring in more cashflow. Geeeeeeeeeee.

Either way, that means no Saturday Night Live clips for me. Pfft. Now before anyone pipes up about it, I know I could do some hocus-pocus on my PC and fake these sites out by "changing" my IP addy, but seriously, why should I have to jump through hoops just to get the same video every other numbnut gets for free without doing anything?

OFFENDER #2: PANDORA RADIO



Hey Pandora, you can stick your fake apology right up your box! No, really.

No radio either. Or mayyyybe....if I TRIED just going through the local stations I used to listen to in Dallas via their websites, there's a chance, right?

Dallas is a big city, so let's see!


Hmmm....KISS FM, 106.1?



Guess that would be a no.

Hmm....97.1, The Eagle? Yeah! Yeah!



Er....no, no...

Okay, so radio is pretty much out I suppose. You know what, I give up. At least we still have YouTube. Good 'ol trusty YouTube. They wouldn't block us! We're talking about YouTube here!






BASTARDS.

Another European peeve......

Today I was sitting around thinking about why I hate and loathe living in Europe, and one thing constantly comes to mind....

"FOOTBALL".

No, not gridiron, good 'ol American football, I'm talking that bullshit we call soccer.

Frankly, I just don't get it. Watching it alone is an eyesore. If you've ever seen a European football match you'll know what I mean. As popular as the sport is - they have more advertisements than you can shake a stick at. And I don't just mean "toss a banner for Volvo" on the sidelines, I mean all out craziness. Computer-generated ads are constanly being shown on the playing field grass, and just about anything with an inch of room has some logo plastered on it. The players' uniforms look more like something out of NASCAR than a real uniform - if some merchant can feel there is enough space on some dude's asscrack I'll be damned if some phone company won't slap one there the next day.

"Check it out, the AIG's just whooped the hell out of those Samsungs! Oh wait...you mean that's Manchester United and Chelsea? Well how the hell can you tell, why isn't THAT on their jerseys?"



The only thing funnier than the two guys looking like told above is that die-hard soccer fans actually PAY for jerseys like this to show their support to impersonalte the toolage. Talk about walking advertisements. I mean, sure...the players get paid enough to wear that shit...but why would anyone want to pay to wear a walking commercial?

.......thus sayeth the bitter old bitch, anyway.