STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!: Archie Comic Books

Ahh, Archie and the gang. Though not as cool as reading Fantastic Four or X-Men; the gang from Riverdale High have long been a guilty pleasure of many. UNTIL NOW.

Many a comic series has befallen to the horrible trend of "artistic updating", with the characters and artwork being given a makeover and facelift to make them more happening and "cool". But no tale is more tragic than what has happened to the kids from Archie.

Archie comics have had their stylistic changes every now and then, usually for the better. Here is how most of us remember them:


Group shot of all the major playa-playas (From left to right): Betty, Archie, Jughead, Reggie, and Veronica with a special appearance by Hot Dog (Jughead's Dog).

Remember how they look? Good. But let's not forget a few other notables, such as:

Moose. Jock extraordinaire.


Midge. Moose's arm-candy.

And everyone's favorite minor character, who became popular in her own right...Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. (Yes young'uns, believe it or don't....she started out in Archie!)

Check out those curves! You don't have to be Salem to say "MEEE-OWWW!" Hubba-hubba!


So what about now, you may ask? Those of you with weak stomachs may wish to shield your eyes...yes children, here is what Archie Comics is cranking out these days. Oh the humanity!


OH NO YOU DIDN'T.


HELLLL NO. WAS THIS REALLY NECESSARY? SERIOUSLY?

Well certainly our old pal Jughead is safe. He was waaaay too original to succumb to such bullshit fads! Right Jughead, 'ol pal?


YOU....BASTARD! I BELIEVED IN YOU!


No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Jughead is wearing...SAGGY F*CKIN' PANTS! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!


Midge and Moose!?!? Not you guys too!!!


Okay...calm down. We still have Sabrina. Remember cute little curvy Sabrina? Well, she's already been through this before, though we remember her as this:


(Again....MEEEEE-OWWWWWW!)

...we must remember that Archie had already made huge mistakes with Sabrina. Surely they learned from those mistakes. I mean...c'mon...we have a whole generation of kids who instead of the curvaceous freckle-faced witchy cutie above, thinks this is Sabrina:



Or even worse, some grew up thinking she looked liked this:



No....Archie Comics already knew they already took waaaaaay too many liberties with our beloved teenage witch in the past. They would never, ever do anything like that again. Wait....what's that you say?





They're updating Sabrina with a new look too?......




But it isn't going to be like the other Riverdale makeovers? Well...that's a relief. They're going with a different style you say? Well, how bad could it be?







WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.


Archie Comics, take this anorexic twig and stick it up your cauldron and stir it! AND STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!


....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

Another European peeve......

Today I was sitting around thinking about why I hate and loathe living in Europe, and one thing constantly comes to mind....

"FOOTBALL".

No, not gridiron, good 'ol American football, I'm talking that bullshit we call soccer.

Frankly, I just don't get it. Watching it alone is an eyesore. If you've ever seen a European football match you'll know what I mean. As popular as the sport is - they have more advertisements than you can shake a stick at. And I don't just mean "toss a banner for Volvo" on the sidelines, I mean all out craziness. Computer-generated ads are constanly being shown on the playing field grass, and just about anything with an inch of room has some logo plastered on it. The players' uniforms look more like something out of NASCAR than a real uniform - if some merchant can feel there is enough space on some dude's asscrack I'll be damned if some phone company won't slap one there the next day.

"Check it out, the AIG's just whooped the hell out of those Samsungs! Oh wait...you mean that's Manchester United and Chelsea? Well how the hell can you tell, why isn't THAT on their jerseys?"



The only thing funnier than the two guys looking like told above is that die-hard soccer fans actually PAY for jerseys like this to show their support to impersonalte the toolage. Talk about walking advertisements. I mean, sure...the players get paid enough to wear that shit...but why would anyone want to pay to wear a walking commercial?

.......thus sayeth the bitter old bitch, anyway.