Ahh, Archie and the gang. Though not as cool as reading Fantastic Four or X-Men; the gang from Riverdale High have long been a guilty pleasure of many. UNTIL NOW.
Many a comic series has befallen to the horrible trend of "artistic updating", with the characters and artwork being given a makeover and facelift to make them more happening and "cool". But no tale is more tragic than what has happened to the kids from Archie.
Archie comics have had their stylistic changes every now and then, usually for the better. Here is how most of us remember them:
Group shot of all the major playa-playas (From left to right): Betty, Archie, Jughead, Reggie, and Veronica with a special appearance by Hot Dog (Jughead's Dog).
Remember how they look? Good. But let's not forget a few other notables, such as:
Moose. Jock extraordinaire. 
Midge. Moose's arm-candy.And everyone's favorite minor character, who became popular in her own right...Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. (Yes young'uns, believe it or don't....she started out in Archie!)
Check out those curves! You don't have to be Salem to say "MEEE-OWWW!" Hubba-hubba!So what about now, you may ask? Those of you with weak stomachs may wish to shield your eyes...yes children, here is what Archie Comics is cranking out these days.
Oh the humanity!
OH NO YOU DIDN'T.
HELLLL NO. WAS THIS REALLY NECESSARY? SERIOUSLY?Well certainly our old pal Jughead is safe. He was waaaay too original to succumb to such bullshit fads! Right Jughead, 'ol pal?
YOU....BASTARD! I BELIEVED IN YOU!
No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Jughead is wearing...SAGGY F*CKIN' PANTS! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!
Midge and Moose!?!? Not you guys too!!!Okay...calm down. We still have Sabrina. Remember cute little curvy Sabrina? Well, she's already been through this before, though we remember her as this:
(Again....MEEEEE-OWWWWWW!)...we must remember that Archie had already made huge mistakes with Sabrina. Surely they learned from those mistakes. I mean...c'mon...we have a whole generation of kids who instead of the curvaceous freckle-faced witchy cutie above, thinks
this is Sabrina:
Or even worse, some grew up thinking she looked liked this:
No....Archie Comics already knew they already took waaaaaay too many liberties with our beloved teenage witch in the past. They would never, ever do anything like that again. Wait....what's that you say?
They're updating Sabrina with a new look too?......
But it isn't going to be like the other Riverdale makeovers? Well...that's a relief. They're going with a different style you say? Well, how bad could it be?
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.Archie Comics, take this anorexic twig and stick it up your cauldron and stir it! AND STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!
....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.
Posts
