Showing posts with label nomnomnom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nomnomnom. Show all posts

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Spiders Eating Crazy Shit - FTW!


Watch your backs guys, Charlotte may seem friendly, but she can tear your shit right up.


It comes as no surprise why so many people are afraid of spiders. Think about it, they're freaky, hairy, and they kill for a living. Add in the fact they have over 400 MILLION YEARS OF EVOLUTION under their belt so they've been perfecting their bad-assery for quite some time. Plus they are opportunists. Sure, most people think about spiders and imagine them nibbling on cutesy little insects in their widdle webs. But hell no - these bastards will not pass up a good meal if they can get it. Here's a few spiders that laugh at those "insect eating dweebs" and prefer a little more meat on their plates:

SNAKES


Believe it or not, some spiders really give snakes a run for their money. But a snake, cool as it may be; lacks ninja skillz. Spiders have that in spades.


"But that's a HUGE spider and a small snake, that's no big accomplishment."



"Oh."


LIZARDS


Lizards. These little bastards have often found spiders are a tasty meal and are more than happy to grab themselves an eight-legged snack when given the chance.


OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!


But Mother Nature has a pretty sick sense of humor. And sometimes just for shits and giggles she thinks it is fun to bend the rules of the food chain. ('Cuz she's a bitch like that.)


Revenge. A dish best served cold, or on the side of a barn.



OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!


RODENTS


Though many rodents chow down on spiders, some spiders have a long history of making Mickey their bitch.


Pictured: Spider version of "Oz".


Here's a video of a spider eating a mouse. Not for the weak-of-heart. Watch the full version if you enjoy suspense. Those with attention deficit disorders can feel free to jump to 41 seconds in to watch the action.



BIRDS


A well known enemy of spiders, birds can also be sucked into mother nature's "food chain" prank. While many arachnids scatter when they see a bird approaching, others close in for the kill faster than Tony Montana closing in on a cookie jar full of cocaine.


"Say hello to my little friend!"



Chicken. Nummy.



Seriously, it's only a matter of time until they evolve enough to...well, you know...





...and when that day comes, and you feel the venom taking effect, as you're gasping for your last breath your last thoughts will be:

"Damn. That Bitter Old Bitch was right!"




Pleasant dreams, kiddos...

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Retro goodness: CORN NUTS MASTURBATION COMMERCIAL = WIN!

Spanking the monkey. Giving yourself the "low" five. Freeing Willy. You don't have to be Willis to know what I'm talkin' 'bout...

But until the early 90's, what we didn't know is that masturbation was synonymous with Corn Nuts. Yes, Corn Nuts.

Now for those of you that have lived in a cave for the past 50 years or so, (or perhaps live overseas) Corn Nuts are a delicious yummy snack made from deep-fried corn kernels. In the US, they are made by Planters and are deee-frikkin-lish.


OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!


But one little known fact about Corn Nuts is that they used to have quite a risqué advertising campaign. And this was no "Oops, you took us out of context, that's not what we meant!" sly kind of deal - no, this was full-blown intentional sexual innuendo. The only thing Planters could have done to sex it up even more was to add a dancing midget, rubber hosing, some Vaseline and possibly a yak.


"Shh...WE WANT TO BE INSIDE YOU...MMmmM..."




So, for those of you who didn't have the pleasure of growing up with what could be considered one of the sexiest damn food promotions in history, I present to you the full radio jingle complete with lyrics - mainly aired in the Southern U.S. states - encouraging all of you to do some very naughty things with Corn Nuts:

WARNING: The jingle is very catchy. Don't blame me if you get caught singing it all day.



So next time you're playing with "Rumple Foreskin"...and for some reason you can't stop thinking about a snack - you'll know who to thank.


"Heyyy sweet tits, how about we stop listening to the radio and you go get us some Corn Nuts?" *wink*



(You're welcome.) ;)

....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

NOTE: What? Still can't get enough? Well..here's the other 2 commercials from the same series. I highly recommend the "longue singer" version - which tosses the word "masticate" REPEATEDLY for the *win*. Not shockingly, the campaign ended right after that one. ;)

BUST A NUT COMMERCIAL #2 - MORE SEXY GOODNESS



BUST A NUT COMMERCIAL #3 - LOUNGE SINGER MASTICATION

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Hamster Snack-a-Thon

In case you need your daily dose of "OMFG HOW CUTE", here is a hamster stuffing itself silly with carrots and sunflower seeds. Which you will probably enjoy. I tried to enjoy it, but was still too angry after spending the entire weekend trying to keep those damn kids out of my yard. Pfft, young'uns. Always out there enjoying themselves. Next time I'm throwing my walker at them. Just sayin'.