Retro goodness: CORN NUTS MASTURBATION COMMERCIAL = WIN!

Spanking the monkey. Giving yourself the "low" five. Freeing Willy. You don't have to be Willis to know what I'm talkin' 'bout...

But until the early 90's, what we didn't know is that masturbation was synonymous with Corn Nuts. Yes, Corn Nuts.

Now for those of you that have lived in a cave for the past 50 years or so, (or perhaps live overseas) Corn Nuts are a delicious yummy snack made from deep-fried corn kernels. In the US, they are made by Planters and are deee-frikkin-lish.


OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

But one little known fact about Corn Nuts is that they used to have quite a risqué advertising campaign. And this was no "Oops, you took us out of context, that's not what we meant!" sly kind of deal - no, this was full-blown intentional sexual innuendo. The only thing Planters could have done to sex it up even more was to add a dancing midget, rubber hosing, some Vaseline and possibly a yak.


"Shh...WE WANT TO BE INSIDE YOU...MMmmM..."



So, for those of you who didn't have the pleasure of growing up with what could be considered one of the sexiest damn food promotions in history, I present to you the full radio jingle complete with lyrics - mainly aired in the Southern U.S. states - encouraging all of you to do some very naughty things with Corn Nuts:

WARNING: The jingle is very catchy. Don't blame me if you get caught singing it all day.


So next time you're playing with "Rumple Foreskin"...and for some reason you can't stop thinking about a snack - you'll know who to thank.


"Heyyy sweet tits, how about we stop listening to the radio and you go get us some Corn Nuts?" *wink*


(You're welcome.) ;)

....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

NOTE: What? Still can't get enough? Well..here's the other 2 commercials from the same series. I highly recommend the "longue singer" version - which tosses the word "masticate" REPEATEDLY for the *win*. Not shockingly, the campaign ended right after that one. ;)

BUST A NUT COMMERCIAL #2 - MORE SEXY GOODNESS


BUST A NUT COMMERCIAL #3 - LOUNGE SINGER MASTICATION

LazyTown's Stephanie Creeps Me Out....

For those of you unfamiliar with the children's show "LazyTown" (or "Lazy Town" depending on how you spell it) let me fill you in on the condensed version...

The show is basically designed to teach kids the benefits of eating healthy and exercise. Sounds good right? Basically there is a town full of latex-foam puppets who all have their own tendencies (as we do) to be well..lazy. For example, one puppet plays too many games, etc.

Then there are the "good guys". A strange gymnast called "Sporticus" comes in and starts flipping and karate chopping everywhere and his goal is to tempt everyone to get off their asses and move around, and plenty of fruits and veggies are touted as to what makes Sporticus so amazingly ninja-riffic...but to appeal to the kiddies they dub the healthy foods "sports candy".

Oh, and Sporticus...no, he doesn't look even remotely creepy...*cough*:



He has a villian named Robbie Rotten that is equally creepy, but the creepiest of all is the girl in pink, named "Stephanie" who comes into town and helps Sporticus out. Take a good look at the picture above...see that girl in pink? That's her. Now, take a wild guess how old she is.

Are you guessing?

Okay, now here is a video of Stephanie in action...take a good look, listen to her voice, and see if your guess doesn't change....


Okay...so...what was your guess?

11?

12?

maybe 13?

The actress playing Stephanie is Julianna Rose Mauriello...and she was born in May of 1991. For thos of you who need help brushing up on your math, that means squeaky-voiced Steph is about to turn 18 in a few months.

Seriously. EIGHTEEN.

She's a pedophile's wet dream. Looks like a kid, but pretty much legal, plus she has gymnastic abilities and is so limber she can stretch herself into a pretzel.

Is it little wonder we find stuff like this put up on youtube?:





At least this one, making Stephanie look like Lil Jon's rap video ho is pretty funny...



Stephanie. A pedophile's wet dream....and why LazyTown's creepiness factor shoots off the charts.

.....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.