Flame War Video is Truthful.

Leave it to the good folks at CollegeHumor to make a video that is not only hilarious, but comes with a catchy tune. And oddly enough, YOU ALREADY KNOW THE LYRICS. (That is if you post comments online a lot). :P



Enjoy your day!

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch

TATER SALAD + CONTOROTIONISM = FUN YET WEIRD

An oldie but still a long running favorite of the B.O.B. - I know most of my buds have been forced into seeing this by me but it is too good not to continue sharing. For those who have never witnessed the fun created when potato salad and contortionist shenanigans collide into one heaping ball of awesome, this is for you.

The fun starts around 1:00, but the video is well worth a full watch. Catchy tune too!

Retro Goodness: DANGEROUS TOYS OF YESTERYEAR (that we all loved!)

Meet the Marquis DeSade of the Toy World. Say hello, Willy.


Have you ever wondered why today's generation seems so hopeless? Somehow it seems that those of us born in the eighties, seventies, and prior are just a bit...well...smarter than those kids today, doesn't it?

Well, it's true. Know why?

BECAUSE WE HAD TOYS THAT COULD KILL US.

Yes, nothing says "motivational learning experience" more than pain will. Back in the day our toys taught us valuable lessons, and those that were too lazy or dumb to adapt, well...Darwinism took it's toll on our generation didn't it? Those of us that survived the "thinning of the herd" know darn well that paperclips don't go in electric sockets, and that no matter how much Jimmy Anderson dares you, it isn't worth trying to successfully catch a lawn dart in your mouth. Nope. We took our licks, but we ended up wiser, more well-rounded individuals. Can't say the same for the overprotected kids of today.

So here, without further ado - is a roundup of wild toys from the past that even though they could maim and kill, we still played with and loved every damn minute of it:

Toys That Would Cut You Up:
(examples: Ice Bird, Tonka Trucks, Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine)

Ice Bird

Ice Bird. Because nothing spells “FUN!” like a rubber ducky with a razor-sharp cheese grater on his ass.




Toys That Would Beat Your Sorry Ass Silly:
(examples: Willy Water Bug, Fun Fountain, Water Wiggle, clackers, Bing Bang Boing!)

Water Wiggle

*shakes fist in anger* Oh water wiggle, how I remember thee…you may have won the battle but you have not won the war! I still plot my vengeance…someday I shall tame you and you will bow down before me.

Willy The Water Bug

Ahh, Willy. Attach him to a garden hose and watch his watery tentacles whip in the air, just begging you to tempt fate and try to jump him. And as soon as you do, he'll lash your legs and genitals so hard you'll have welts. Lesson learned, Willie. Granted, you gave us fair warning with your box art of you whipping the hell out of some kids. We should have paid more attention. (Thanks TOLTOYS for the lovely image.)

Johnny Reb Cannon

Pledging your allegiance to the Confederates whilst firing hard plastic cannonballs that fly up to 35 feet at your friends? Now how could that possibly go wrong?

Bing Bang Boing!

The greatest lesson in physics; a flying metal ball moving at a high rate of speed will provide enough force to knock out your teeth if given the chance.




Toys that would BURN THE SHIT OUTTA YOU:
(examples: Creepy Crawlers, Mattel Vac-U-Form, Easy Bake Oven, Soldering Kits, Wood Burning Kits)


Vac-U-Form Machine by Mattel:


The virtual trifecta of danger.

1. Hot Plate? Check.
2. Melted Hot Plastic? Check.
3. Sharp knife to trim your molds? Check and check!


Creepy Crawlers


I know, let's bake creatures out of toxic goo using a burning hot plate! YESSSS!

Easy Bake Oven


Good ol' Easy Bake. Thanks to you I learned that handling a hot cake pan without an oven mitt is never a great idea. Thanks for teaching me, I'd be fingerless today without you!




Toys That Just Cut to the Chase and KILLED you:
(examples: Lawn Darts, Fireworks, Dad's Table Saw)

Lawn Darts a.k.a. "Jarts"



Death in a box. 'Nuff said.





Toys That You Dangerously Rode in The Street:
(examples: Big Wheels, roller skates, The Outrider, Green Machine, skateboards)

The Outrider


The Outrider. Knees and knuckles, prepare to be skinned!

Big Wheel


Big Wheel. Now check out this awesome commercials. How many helmets and knee pads do you see? Now...count the awesome spin-outs. Is it little wonder we loved these things until we wore a flat hole in the front tire?

Green Machine


Green Machine, for when you outgrew your Big Wheel, but you weren't about to relinquish your title of "neighborhood knievel".





Toys That Would IRRADIATE You:
(examples: Not shockingly, this is the only one that I know of.)

Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab


Yeah, back in the day you could buy a toy kit that had a Geiger counter AND three…count ‘em…three radioactive sources included in the box. I ask you, what other generation can boast badassery like that? NONE. So stand up and be proud.


....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

Spiders Eating Crazy Shit - FTW!

Watch your backs guys, Charlotte may seem friendly, but she can tear your shit right up.

It comes as no surprise why so many people are afraid of spiders. Think about it, they're freaky, hairy, and they kill for a living. Add in the fact they have over 400 MILLION YEARS OF EVOLUTION under their belt so they've been perfecting their bad-assery for quite some time. Plus they are opportunists. Sure, most people think about spiders and imagine them nibbling on cutesy little insects in their widdle webs. But hell no - these bastards will not pass up a good meal if they can get it. Here's a few spiders that laugh at those "insect eating dweebs" and prefer a little more meat on their plates:

SNAKES

Believe it or not, some spiders really give snakes a run for their money. But a snake, cool as it may be; lacks ninja skillz. Spiders have that in spades.


"But that's a HUGE spider and a small snake, that's no big accomplishment."


"Oh."

LIZARDS

Lizards. These little bastards have often found spiders are a tasty meal and are more than happy to grab themselves an eight-legged snack when given the chance.


OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

But Mother Nature has a pretty sick sense of humor. And sometimes just for shits and giggles she thinks it is fun to bend the rules of the food chain. ('Cuz she's a bitch like that.)


Revenge. A dish best served cold, or on the side of a barn.


OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

RODENTS

Though many rodents chow down on spiders, some spiders have a long history of making Mickey their bitch.


Pictured: Spider version of "Oz".

Here's a video of a spider eating a mouse. Not for the weak-of-heart. Watch the full version if you enjoy suspense. Those with attention deficit disorders can feel free to jump to 41 seconds in to watch the action.



BIRDS

A well known enemy of spiders, birds can also be sucked into mother nature's "food chain" prank. While many arachnids scatter when they see a bird approaching, others close in for the kill faster than Tony Montana closing in on a cookie jar full of cocaine.


"Say hello to my little friend!"


Chicken. Nummy.


Seriously, it's only a matter of time until they evolve enough to...well, you know...





...and when that day comes, and you feel the venom taking effect, as you're gasping for your last breath your last thoughts will be:

"Damn. That Bitter Old Bitch was right!"




Pleasant dreams, kiddos...

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

PRINTER-HATING KITTY CAT

You know what? I hate printers too. Last time I tried printing some online coupons for my ensure drinks the damn thing jammed on me. I should invite this cat over and have it teach my printer who is the boss.

JUST AWESOME: Mouse vs. Praying Mantis

Cute little mouse gets pwned by a praying mantis. (Yeah, really!)

Retro Goodness: BURGER KING NOSTALGIA COMMERCIAL

Reason #1,462 why the 70's were better than today: FREE BLOW PIPES!

Pat that goiter dalmation video

37 seconds of your life that you will not be getting back...sorry.