Suck-butt Comic Strips - PART TWO: MARK TRAIL

I don't even wanna know what just happened here.

If there is anyone I feel sorry for, it's the artists responsible for Mark Trail. Especially Jack Elrod.

Mark Trail is perhaps the longest-running shitty comic strip to date. It began in April 1946 as only what I can conclude as a sick joke against nature artists everywhere that nobody ever had the balls to stop.

For those of you unfamiliar with Mark Trail, the premise is simple - create a comic that focuses on ecology and the environment. Kinda like a flannel-shirt wearing Captain Planet, but with BUTTLOADS random and unneeded nature scenes.

The problem is that Mark Trail is not only boring, the idea of making a comic that must carry some "Earth Day-esque" message is a heck of a lot of work. In the same amount of space that it takes for Garfield to smell some lasagna or Charlie to kick a damn football, Mark Trail has to convince you to save the frikkin' planet. And you thought your boss had unreal demands.

Mark Trail always has the same formula...and it never fails to deliver:

1. Storyline is based on saving the planet.
2. There will be an assload of text to read.
3. A GIANT RANDOM NATURE SHOT (usually of an animal) will hijack the strip.
RANDOM GIANT HAWK FOR THE WIN!


Mark Trail's problem lies with number 3 on the list. Remember, they still have to somehow squeeze the "save the earth" message in just a few panels, which makes it hard when some giant fuckin' fish is taking up half the page. But thankfully, this one quirk of Mark Trail is cause for unexpected laughs as the artist is forced to to squeeze speech bubbles near the animals. This speech-bubble misplacement often leads to the strips only saving grace; the animals appear to be talking.

Little did everyone know, pigeons love to gamble.

Teamster Chipmunk.

In an attempt to lower "car-on-moose" hate crimes, moose decide to beef up road security.


Well thank goodness the Trout remembered to go to the bank!


BEST. TALKING. BEAR. EVER.

Thanks fate, for making a shitty comic strip somewhat bearable. Heh.

.....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

Suck-butt Comic Strips - PART ONE: ZIGGY & CATHY

NOTE: Wow...take a few days off and suddenly over 20,000 visitors!?! No idea what happened there, normally I am alone blabbering away on my blog, full-knowing that my little corner of the web is definitely located somewhere in the asscrack of the internet and figuring that nobody would find it and I'd be only entertaining myself. O_o Well, glad you guys liked the My Little Pony Post. :P Thanks I-am-bored for featuring that article! You guys ROCK!

Anyhow, off to a post that needs to be made. My apologies if your favorite comic strip lands on my shit-list today or in the future, but it needs to be said:

Growing up, I would fight my father for the Sunday paper at the breakfast table. Back then (read: no PS3, kiddos!) the Sunday comics were a thing to be cherished. Even at the risk that my BooBerry would get soggy I would try to take my time and read slowly, in an attempt to stretch out the entertainment value. I tried to do my best to focus on each single strip - and desperately tried not to let my eyes wander and see pictures from other panels so I wouldn't "ruin the surprise" by accidentally reading another comic inadvertently in advance. But some comics...I TRIED my best to avoid looking at altogether, because the suckage was too great for my little mind to handle. Week after week I tried, but yet I would always give in to the pressure and read these shitty comics, in desperate hopes that "this week it will be good". Here are a few who never failed - and were always guaranteed to be the epitome of crap:

FIRST OFFENDER OF SUCKAGE : ZIGGY - The strip so funny you'll want to throw a toaster in your bathtub.


UGH. Let's hope NOT.

I know this will ruffle some feathers, some people (mostly born before 1961) seem to worship at the alter of Ziggy thinking he is as awesome as awesome gets. I beg to differ. He somehow became a huge pop-culture icon in the 70's and 80's, making his way up the ladder of comic fame; finding himself blazened across 3/4 sleeve t-shirts and various craptastic merchandise everywhere. (Who knew there was a demand for CHRISTMAS-themed EASTER eggs, anyway?)

Obviously Ziggy has no frikkin' idea how holidays work.

REASONS WHY ZIGGY SUCKS:
1. He's badly drawn.
2. He normally appears in just one panel (the lazy bastard method of artistry).
3. His sole purpose is to make you attempt suicide.

Honestly, that's the catch. Ziggy's whole "hook" is that he is the guy who just can't win (much like a shittier version of Charlie Brown). But unlike Charlie, this guy is so sad he doesn't even have friends to mock his daily life. No wife, no girlfriend, just a few pets (dog, cat, and occasional parrot) who are forced against their will to live with sorry fat bastard in his depressing world hoping he finally drowns in his tear-soaked pillow at night.

In case you've never read Ziggy - here is a delightful example of the comic, giving you a glimpse of the entertainment Ziggy has to offer:

Wow. The joy overflows. Thanks Ziggy. Now, let me go hang myself now that you reminded me I still haven't paid the electric bill...

ANOTHER HOT MESS: CATHY


Work it, you sexy bitch, you!...Oh wait...

Another sad sack of bullshit is the comic affectionately known as "Cathy". Cathy hit it big with women everywhere in the 80's - ending up taped to office filing cabinets of the dieting and shopping-obsessed everywhere back in the day.

REASONS WHY CATHY SUCKS:

1. Plain and simple, she's an annoying neurotic bitch.

Yes, welcome to the world of Cathy. A world where basically dieting and feeling insufficient is the flavor of the day, everyday. The idea that seeing a woman flip out over the smallest things (mainly just dieting and shopping) may have been cute to begin with, but after years of plowing through this ranting bitch's insanity - the joke does get old after a while.

Here are a few gems taken from the archives of Cathy - Prozac anyone?





GAG.

Stay tuned next week for part 2....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.