Sunday, January 25, 2009


After a bit of searching today I found a website that RULES. Without having to have any knowhow, signing up for any accounts, or downloading anything it allows you to create ringtones for your phone for FREE, and it's hellah easy. (FINALLY!) Best of all, it lets you make your own ring signals from YouTube clips, and you can even edit it and cut it for the best parts. (Only bummer - it won't let you go past 40 seconds but oh well!)

Totally web-based and full of WIN. Now, I am the proud owner of these awesome Parry Gripp ring signals, ripped right outta YouTube:

Chimpanzee Riding On A Segway:

Shopping Penguin:

Up Your Butt With A Coconut:

Spaghetti Cat (I Weep 4 U)

Wanna do it yourself? Head on over to and start whipping your favorite sounds, be it crazy crap like me, video game themes, or whatever you like, all easy and all FREE.

Free rules! ...thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

Monday, January 19, 2009

LazyTown's Stephanie Creeps Me Out....

For those of you unfamiliar with the children's show "LazyTown" (or "Lazy Town" depending on how you spell it) let me fill you in on the condensed version...

The show is basically designed to teach kids the benefits of eating healthy and exercise. Sounds good right? Basically there is a town full of latex-foam puppets who all have their own tendencies (as we do) to be well..lazy. For example, one puppet plays too many games, etc.

Then there are the "good guys". A strange gymnast called "Sporticus" comes in and starts flipping and karate chopping everywhere and his goal is to tempt everyone to get off their asses and move around, and plenty of fruits and veggies are touted as to what makes Sporticus so amazingly ninja-riffic...but to appeal to the kiddies they dub the healthy foods "sports candy".

Oh, and, he doesn't look even remotely creepy...*cough*:

He has a villian named Robbie Rotten that is equally creepy, but the creepiest of all is the girl in pink, named "Stephanie" who comes into town and helps Sporticus out. Take a good look at the picture above...see that girl in pink? That's her. Now, take a wild guess how old she is.

Are you guessing?

Okay, now here is a video of Stephanie in action...take a good look, listen to her voice, and see if your guess doesn't change.... was your guess?



maybe 13?

The actress playing Stephanie is Julianna Rose Mauriello...and she was born in May of 1991. For thos of you who need help brushing up on your math, that means squeaky-voiced Steph is about to turn 18 in a few months.

Seriously. EIGHTEEN.

She's a pedophile's wet dream. Looks like a kid, but pretty much legal, plus she has gymnastic abilities and is so limber she can stretch herself into a pretzel.

Is it little wonder we find stuff like this put up on youtube?:

At least this one, making Stephanie look like Lil Jon's rap video ho is pretty funny...

Stephanie. A pedophile's wet dream....and why LazyTown's creepiness factor shoots off the charts.

.....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

What makes for the best boobies?

Women and men out there...nobody seems to agree. Which is better, big or small ta-tas?

No worries my friends, I have the answer.

Now, many under these recent times have gone with the idea that "bigger is indeed better". I disagree. Not that a nice rack isn't a fantastic thing, I was blessed to be top-heavy myself; but there are some serious drawbacks. Before you run out and get under the knife ladies, please allow me to give you some insights on how uncool it is to have a set of tig-ol-bitties.

#1. Back pain. Enough said. Unfortunately my fun bags are all real, and I ended up being big at an early age, which certainly didn't help my posture development. I'm only 32 now...but was sporting double D's by fourth grade. Sure, it was awkward then, but now my spine is showing the tale-tell woes of carrying around that extra load. I have a large bump/curve in my spine where my neck and nack come together, despite how many good support bras I've worn in my lifetime. At this rate, I assume by the time I hit my fifties, I'll probably have a stature like this guy:

These are the wrong kinds of sexy curves....

#2. Nothing ever fits. And forget wearing anything with buttons down the front, unless you like having a permanant set of peek-a-boo windows for everyone to see your bra. The only other option is to wear things the size of small circus tents on the top, and regular sizes on the bottoms, and that really doesn't make for a good look. Anything form fitting rarely looks classy, but instead makes you look like a street walker. :(

#3. The wrong kind of attention. Sure, guys love staring - but it makes for awkward situations when they never look AT you when talking to you, but are instead fixated below your neck. I don't blame guys here, they can't help it. But it sure is hard finding mister right when the only guys who approach you have a beer in one hand and a contract for "Girls Gone Wild" in the other hand. *sigh*

#4: Forget certain sports. Like to jog? Work out? As the New Yorker's say - Fahgettaboutit. Not gonna happen when you have two water balloons bouncing in the way.

#5: Perhaps the most important - GRAVITY. Gravity is a mean old b*tch ladies, and she loves nothing more than making sure you feel bad about yourself. Rememeber those gigantic bras your grandma had that you used to snicker about? Well, if you're endowed - that's your fate. Big, ugly, white or beige suffocating bear-traps of spandex - that's what you have to look forward to if you want to look halfway presentable and don't want to look like Ms. Chokesondik from South Park.

Not sexy.

So...are you saying smaller is better?

No, not at all...instead I present to you the image of boobage perfection:


Medium sized boobs are great - enough to be able to dress anyway you want, from school-marm to seductress...and you can DO THINGS WITH THEM.

And to give you a visual of what I mean, allow me to show you the template for medium-boobie perfection:


Yes, Cassandra Peterson...the actress known for her cheesy over-the-top horror host role is indeed the image of perfect boob-ratio perfection. She could smash them together for that porn-star look, yet still make them look high-fashionably presentable. Those my friends, are the perfect set of ta-tas. Don't believe me? well take a look at this:

Those of you who are too young to remember the 1988 film "Elvira Mistress of the Dark" in theatres, you really missed out. In the film, Elvira showed the world just what amazing things a person can do with perfect medium is that clip, be prepared to be amazed, even the most hardcore male fans of the "bigger is better" movement can't help but be swayed when they see just what medium boobage can accomplish:

Bless you Elvira, and your perfect boobs....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Another European peeve......

Today I was sitting around thinking about why I hate and loathe living in Europe, and one thing constantly comes to mind....


No, not gridiron, good 'ol American football, I'm talking that bullshit we call soccer.

Frankly, I just don't get it. Watching it alone is an eyesore. If you've ever seen a European football match you'll know what I mean. As popular as the sport is - they have more advertisements than you can shake a stick at. And I don't just mean "toss a banner for Volvo" on the sidelines, I mean all out craziness. Computer-generated ads are constanly being shown on the playing field grass, and just about anything with an inch of room has some logo plastered on it. The players' uniforms look more like something out of NASCAR than a real uniform - if some merchant can feel there is enough space on some dude's asscrack I'll be damned if some phone company won't slap one there the next day.

"Check it out, the AIG's just whooped the hell out of those Samsungs! Oh mean that's Manchester United and Chelsea? Well how the hell can you tell, why isn't THAT on their jerseys?"

The only thing funnier than the two guys looking like told above is that die-hard soccer fans actually PAY for jerseys like this to show their support to impersonalte the toolage. Talk about walking advertisements. I mean, sure...the players get paid enough to wear that shit...but why would anyone want to pay to wear a walking commercial?

.......thus sayeth the bitter old bitch, anyway.