And now, just for shits and giggles...here is an awesome grouping of 25 hairdos from the 80s. Hair we wore, we loved...and now, shame us:
The Rockhawk
The Fountain
The Dyna-Mullet (Yes, once upon a time - mullets could be classy!)
The FAME Headband Workout Tussle
The Windy Wave
The Steven Hawking (a.k.a. The "Big Bang Theory")
The Up-Don't
The MJ Thriller
The Mermaid
The Gnarly Surfer
The Rocker Guy, The Rocker Girl (and BONUS: Rocker Kid!)
The Side Spiral Pony
The Loofah Bang
The High School Standard
The Rat-Tail Special
The Standard Poodle
The Ponytail Tower Of Powah!
The Nintend-mullet
The Manfro
The "Little Red Raving Hood"
The Banana Cliperoo
The Jodie-Crimpapalooza
The Hairzilla
The Bo Derek Braids
The Flamingo
And now....as a special bonus, the Bitter Old Bitch has a note to you kids of today out there. So please, if you have any teenagers nearby, send them in the room now. I'll wait.
Ok....are they here?
Good. *clears throat*
Well hello there. I've been watching you kids out there...all on your facebooks and myspaces looking all pouty all the damn time. At first I thought it was all those little metal rings you kids had in your faces. They certainly look painful, and I thought that was why you were pouting all the time in your photos; because your faces hurt or because you had damaged some facial nerves and you were no longer able to smile. But after some careful observation I have realized why you look so sad.
....because you all look the damn same and you all have the same shitty haircut.
......kids, change your hair and take out that crap from your face if you really want to be different. You'd be surprised what a boost to the self-esteem being an individual will make. Then maybe you'll smile for once. And give your parents a hug, they had shitty hair once too. But at least they had plenty to choose from.
Women and men out there...nobody seems to agree. Which is better, big or small ta-tas?
No worries my friends, I have the answer.
Now, many under these recent times have gone with the idea that "bigger is indeed better". I disagree. Not that a nice rack isn't a fantastic thing, I was blessed to be top-heavy myself; but there are some serious drawbacks. Before you run out and get under the knife ladies, please allow me to give you some insights on how uncool it is to have a set of tig-ol-bitties.
#1. Back pain. Enough said. Unfortunately my fun bags are all real, and I ended up being big at an early age, which certainly didn't help my posture development. I'm only 32 now...but was sporting double D's by fourth grade. Sure, it was awkward then, but now my spine is showing the tale-tell woes of carrying around that extra load. I have a large bump/curve in my spine where my neck and nack come together, despite how many good support bras I've worn in my lifetime. At this rate, I assume by the time I hit my fifties, I'll probably have a stature like this guy:
These are the wrong kinds of sexy curves....
#2. Nothing ever fits. And forget wearing anything with buttons down the front, unless you like having a permanant set of peek-a-boo windows for everyone to see your bra. The only other option is to wear things the size of small circus tents on the top, and regular sizes on the bottoms, and that really doesn't make for a good look. Anything form fitting rarely looks classy, but instead makes you look like a street walker. :(
#3. The wrong kind of attention. Sure, guys love staring - but it makes for awkward situations when they never look AT you when talking to you, but are instead fixated below your neck. I don't blame guys here, they can't help it. But it sure is hard finding mister right when the only guys who approach you have a beer in one hand and a contract for "Girls Gone Wild" in the other hand. *sigh*
#4: Forget certain sports. Like to jog? Work out? As the New Yorker's say - Fahgettaboutit. Not gonna happen when you have two water balloons bouncing in the way.
#5: Perhaps the most important - GRAVITY. Gravity is a mean old b*tch ladies, and she loves nothing more than making sure you feel bad about yourself. Rememeber those gigantic bras your grandma had that you used to snicker about? Well, if you're endowed - that's your fate. Big, ugly, white or beige suffocating bear-traps of spandex - that's what you have to look forward to if you want to look halfway presentable and don't want to look like Ms. Chokesondik from South Park.
Not sexy.
So...are you saying smaller is better?
No, not at all...instead I present to you the image of boobage perfection:
THE MEDIUM SIZED BOOB.
Medium sized boobs are great - enough to be able to dress anyway you want, from school-marm to seductress...and you can DO THINGS WITH THEM.
And to give you a visual of what I mean, allow me to show you the template for medium-boobie perfection:
ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK:
Yes, Cassandra Peterson...the actress known for her cheesy over-the-top horror host role is indeed the image of perfect boob-ratio perfection. She could smash them together for that porn-star look, yet still make them look high-fashionably presentable. Those my friends, are the perfect set of ta-tas. Don't believe me? well take a look at this:
Those of you who are too young to remember the 1988 film "Elvira Mistress of the Dark" in theatres, you really missed out. In the film, Elvira showed the world just what amazing things a person can do with perfect medium boobs...here is that clip, be prepared to be amazed, even the most hardcore male fans of the "bigger is better" movement can't help but be swayed when they see just what medium boobage can accomplish:
Bless you Elvira, and your perfect boobs....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.
Posts
