Sunday, January 18, 2009

What makes for the best boobies?

Women and men out there...nobody seems to agree. Which is better, big or small ta-tas?

No worries my friends, I have the answer.

Now, many under these recent times have gone with the idea that "bigger is indeed better". I disagree. Not that a nice rack isn't a fantastic thing, I was blessed to be top-heavy myself; but there are some serious drawbacks. Before you run out and get under the knife ladies, please allow me to give you some insights on how uncool it is to have a set of tig-ol-bitties.

#1. Back pain. Enough said. Unfortunately my fun bags are all real, and I ended up being big at an early age, which certainly didn't help my posture development. I'm only 32 now...but was sporting double D's by fourth grade. Sure, it was awkward then, but now my spine is showing the tale-tell woes of carrying around that extra load. I have a large bump/curve in my spine where my neck and nack come together, despite how many good support bras I've worn in my lifetime. At this rate, I assume by the time I hit my fifties, I'll probably have a stature like this guy:

These are the wrong kinds of sexy curves....

#2. Nothing ever fits. And forget wearing anything with buttons down the front, unless you like having a permanant set of peek-a-boo windows for everyone to see your bra. The only other option is to wear things the size of small circus tents on the top, and regular sizes on the bottoms, and that really doesn't make for a good look. Anything form fitting rarely looks classy, but instead makes you look like a street walker. :(

#3. The wrong kind of attention. Sure, guys love staring - but it makes for awkward situations when they never look AT you when talking to you, but are instead fixated below your neck. I don't blame guys here, they can't help it. But it sure is hard finding mister right when the only guys who approach you have a beer in one hand and a contract for "Girls Gone Wild" in the other hand. *sigh*

#4: Forget certain sports. Like to jog? Work out? As the New Yorker's say - Fahgettaboutit. Not gonna happen when you have two water balloons bouncing in the way.

#5: Perhaps the most important - GRAVITY. Gravity is a mean old b*tch ladies, and she loves nothing more than making sure you feel bad about yourself. Rememeber those gigantic bras your grandma had that you used to snicker about? Well, if you're endowed - that's your fate. Big, ugly, white or beige suffocating bear-traps of spandex - that's what you have to look forward to if you want to look halfway presentable and don't want to look like Ms. Chokesondik from South Park.

Not sexy.

So...are you saying smaller is better?

No, not at all...instead I present to you the image of boobage perfection:


Medium sized boobs are great - enough to be able to dress anyway you want, from school-marm to seductress...and you can DO THINGS WITH THEM.

And to give you a visual of what I mean, allow me to show you the template for medium-boobie perfection:


Yes, Cassandra Peterson...the actress known for her cheesy over-the-top horror host role is indeed the image of perfect boob-ratio perfection. She could smash them together for that porn-star look, yet still make them look high-fashionably presentable. Those my friends, are the perfect set of ta-tas. Don't believe me? well take a look at this:

Those of you who are too young to remember the 1988 film "Elvira Mistress of the Dark" in theatres, you really missed out. In the film, Elvira showed the world just what amazing things a person can do with perfect medium is that clip, be prepared to be amazed, even the most hardcore male fans of the "bigger is better" movement can't help but be swayed when they see just what medium boobage can accomplish:

Bless you Elvira, and your perfect boobs....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.

1 comment:

Neal Snow said...

How right you are.

But I'm biased. My hearts on fire for Elvira. Gitey up...