Retro Goodness: VINTAGE SEXIST ADVERTS

Welcome to Misogyny 101 kiddos.

Today I'm giving you a ride in a time machine. We're going to look at vintage advertisements from a time not too long ago. A time where as a woman, failure to provide your man a fresh cup of coffee was rewarded with a beating and any sign of not being sexy would guarantee your ass being kicked to the curb. Here are 5 home-baked batches of ads from those days:

Enjoy.



In our first batch, we have the "Women are only good for housework!" theme:


"That's right, cooking, and popping out babies. Now quit hugging me and get your ass back in the kitchen, Janet!"




"Don't worry honey, I can use the power of beer to get shitfaced enough to forget how you couldn't provide a simple damn dinner for me. Worthless hag!"




"Hooray! I am finally useful despite my lack of a penis!"




"See Johnny, that's what happens to women when they do too much housework. Now hand me that baseball bat of yours, and watch me put her in her place again."




Maybe. But she better finish those god damned dishes first.




If the above statement is true, I must be one ugly bitch.




Flymo. 'Cuz bitches need to mow the lawn too.




Behold, the only kind of Christmas presents a woman deserves. Get to circling, ladies!



Batch #2: The "Women are only sex objects" theme:


Wow, check out the "projection equipment" on Sabrina there! O.o




Smoking. Because dieting alone just isn't enough.




In the 1950's, women waited for Santa wearing see-through negligees. THAT'S JUST HOW THINGS WERE DONE, DAMMIT.




*looks at the pictures on the side with Lauren "loving her socks" a little too much.*
Words escape me.




....and then nobody will ever love you.




"My mind, oh...and my sweet tight ass, he's always mentioning that."




That's right ladies, the #2 cause for divorce is having a run in your stockings. If you don't take care of your nylons, you have nobody to blame but yourself when he leaves your raggedy ass. But if this is #2, what is #1? Hmm...




#1 reason for divorce: "Middle-age" skin. As soon as you start looking like the cryptkeeper, Bob's gonna leave your ass. You have been warned.



Batch #3: The "Women are stupid" theme:


Mini. Even females can drive them.




FACT: The part of a woman's brain that stores the ability to do simple math is replaced by thoughts of household appliances.




Finally men, a birth control pill that not only lets you tap that whenever you want to, but also makes women think about ironing and doing laundry. We have achieved perfection. Pass these out to the womenfolk STAT!




GOD FORBID A WOMAN COULD POSSESS ENOUGH BRAIN CELLS AND MOTOR SKILLS TO OPEN A BOTTLE OF KETCHUP.




Batch #4: The "Women suck because their privates are smelly" theme:



No, its between her pretty little meat curtains. DUH.




Winner for being so subtle about it.




Use Zonite. Because your vajajay is so rank, your husband is now being forced to leave the house.




Ladies, if your coochie-stank is this bad, you've got a problem. Seriously.



Yes, you're reading that right. If you wanna keep your man, you have to douche with LYSOL. Experts agree.





Batch #5: The "Men are better than women" theme:


WOW.




It isn't rape, your honor. I was just TAMING her. *wink*




A man has full right to give you a beat down for not making sure his coffee is the best and freshest. How dare you defy him!




Because unlike Mom, Dad has a penis. Which in the real world means he was born to be a whisky-swillin' PIMP.




Wrong on so many levels.



ACTUAL QUOTE: "Men are better than women! Indoors women are useful - even pleasant. On a mountain they are something of a drag."




Blow smoke in her face. 'Cuz that's what all the bitches like.




Put that know-it-all tramp where she belongs - six feet under. Hey, you wanna sell that postage meter or not?



Have a great day everyone, and remember - you are allowed in the living room only after the dishes get done; and don't you forget it!

...thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

SIDE NOTE: I see my comments on this article went through the roof overnight which only means one thing...those silly pranksters over at I AM BORED have come to pay an old lady a visit again. Thanks for stopping by, you kids are welcome any time and are welcome to stick around as long as you see fit. There's hard ribbon candy in the bowl for you if you get hungry. - The B.O.B.

TOY COMMERCIAL = FAIL!

Once upon a time in the dark ages (we like to call that the sixties, children), some nimrod came up with what he thought would be the "new toy craze". Obviously inspired by hula-hoops, the toy industry gave us....the SWING WING.

"Hey kids, who wants a big case of neck strain and whiplash? How about you, little Johnny?" *grin* "As an added bonus kids, you get to look like a total douche when you are using this innovative product!"

Retro Goodness: BURGER KING NOSTALGIA COMMERCIAL

Reason #1,462 why the 70's were better than today: FREE BLOW PIPES!