LIST OF THE TOP 14 AWESOME SHOE CARS!

Okay, I have decided.

I want, no wait....need....a shoe car.

What is a shoe car? Well by definition it is a car that looks like a shoe. Basically rule of thumb goes like this:



Pretty easy, right? Now, on to the list!


I have gathered the 14 best shoe cars for your pleasure. Here they are listed in order of winsomeness. But first, here are some honorable mentions that didn't quite make the cut and were disqualified for not following all the rules necessary to make the list:

Honorable mention #4: Justin Boot Car

Granted, the cowboy boot is the hardest form of shoe car to perfect. This entry makes a nice attempt, but in the end it is still a SHOE ON A CAR, and not a shoe car. Plus points to you for using a frikkin' hearse though!

Honorable mention #3: Shoe Bike

Sorry shoe bike, but nice try. You are still a bicycle so you don't count plus you are NOT A SHOE. And you look pretty uncomfortable to ride. Maybe some other list, just not this one.

Honorable mention #2: Norwegian Shoe Car


*looks at the Norwegians* Um, guys...you're doing it wrong.
*makes spinny hand gesture*
It's the other way around.


Honorable mention #1: USA Outdoes Norway


This American car; like the Norwegian one, did not understand the contest rules. Unlike its Norwegian counterpart however - this car scores bonus points for the tackiness appeal. This particular "shoe car" is also obviously male - apparent by it's colorful plumage.

NOW....ON TO THE REAL CONTENDERS!!!


#14: Cowboy Black Boot Blues:

Cowboy boot, done in black. Loses points because it needs a bit more body work and shaping to reach its full potential.

#13: Red Bootymobile:

Boot, done in red.

#12: Beige Bomber:

A perfectly respectable beige shoe "quarter-boot" car.

#11: Marshall's Red Pump:


Marshall's throws their hat into the ring with this nice example of the "red pump" shoe. I particularly like the "dune buggy" headlights.

#10: "Just For Men" Red Pump

Yep, as you can see the "red pump" is the most popular shoe car body style. The guy riding in this one knows he's cool.

#9: SkateCar ToePom Classic

Roller Skate + Car = WIN


#8: Retro Nike WINmobile:

As you see, shoe cars are no new trend.
Even back in the day we knew that shoe car = class. Grr, baby!

#7: Classic Red Pump Perfection
One of the best looking "red pump" shoe cars out there. The design and form is just perfect.

#6: Roller Skate in Blue

One of the better roller skate cars out there. The tire toe stopper is the cherry on this masterpiece.

#5: The McShoe

Even Ronald got game.

#4: The Red Pump Peoplemover

YET another version of the "red pump" classic. Not as nice as the other bazillion versions, but pulls ahead of the others because...LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN RIDE IN IT!! Congrats, you have never seen this many Asians in a shoe. Now you can say you have and you have me to thank for it. You're welcome.

#3: Reebok's Blue Bombshell

Reebok, the undeniable CHAMPION of Shoe Cars, started out with a BANG. Here is one of their earlier shoe cars in blue and white.

#2: Reebok's Black Beauty

After the blue car, Reebok stepped up their game with this sexy black beast. VRRRROOOM!

And the #1 Awesome Shoe Car Award goes to......

Reebok, yet again. For their newest model of shoecar badassery:




Side View:



The back:

My God, that's just gorgeous. Rock on, Reebok! Rock on with 'yo bad self...*tips hat*

...thus sayeth the bitter old bitch

Spiders Eating Crazy Shit - FTW!

Watch your backs guys, Charlotte may seem friendly, but she can tear your shit right up.

It comes as no surprise why so many people are afraid of spiders. Think about it, they're freaky, hairy, and they kill for a living. Add in the fact they have over 400 MILLION YEARS OF EVOLUTION under their belt so they've been perfecting their bad-assery for quite some time. Plus they are opportunists. Sure, most people think about spiders and imagine them nibbling on cutesy little insects in their widdle webs. But hell no - these bastards will not pass up a good meal if they can get it. Here's a few spiders that laugh at those "insect eating dweebs" and prefer a little more meat on their plates:

SNAKES

Believe it or not, some spiders really give snakes a run for their money. But a snake, cool as it may be; lacks ninja skillz. Spiders have that in spades.


"But that's a HUGE spider and a small snake, that's no big accomplishment."


"Oh."

LIZARDS

Lizards. These little bastards have often found spiders are a tasty meal and are more than happy to grab themselves an eight-legged snack when given the chance.


OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

But Mother Nature has a pretty sick sense of humor. And sometimes just for shits and giggles she thinks it is fun to bend the rules of the food chain. ('Cuz she's a bitch like that.)


Revenge. A dish best served cold, or on the side of a barn.


OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

RODENTS

Though many rodents chow down on spiders, some spiders have a long history of making Mickey their bitch.


Pictured: Spider version of "Oz".

Here's a video of a spider eating a mouse. Not for the weak-of-heart. Watch the full version if you enjoy suspense. Those with attention deficit disorders can feel free to jump to 41 seconds in to watch the action.



BIRDS

A well known enemy of spiders, birds can also be sucked into mother nature's "food chain" prank. While many arachnids scatter when they see a bird approaching, others close in for the kill faster than Tony Montana closing in on a cookie jar full of cocaine.


"Say hello to my little friend!"


Chicken. Nummy.


Seriously, it's only a matter of time until they evolve enough to...well, you know...





...and when that day comes, and you feel the venom taking effect, as you're gasping for your last breath your last thoughts will be:

"Damn. That Bitter Old Bitch was right!"




Pleasant dreams, kiddos...

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.