But until the early 90's, what we didn't know is that masturbation was synonymous with Corn Nuts. Yes, Corn Nuts.
Now for those of you that have lived in a cave for the past 50 years or so, (or perhaps live overseas) Corn Nuts are a delicious yummy snack made from deep-fried corn kernels. In the US, they are made by Planters and are deee-frikkin-lish.
But one little known fact about Corn Nuts is that they used to have quite a risqué advertising campaign. And this was no "Oops, you took us out of context, that's not what we meant!" sly kind of deal - no, this was full-blown intentional sexual innuendo. The only thing Planters could have done to sex it up even more was to add a dancing midget, rubber hosing, some Vaseline and possibly a yak.
So, for those of you who didn't have the pleasure of growing up with what could be considered one of the sexiest damn food promotions in history, I present to you the full radio jingle complete with lyrics - mainly aired in the Southern U.S. states - encouraging all of you to do some very naughty things with Corn Nuts:
So next time you're playing with "Rumple Foreskin"...and for some reason you can't stop thinking about a snack - you'll know who to thank.
(You're welcome.) ;)
....thus sayeth the bitter old bitch.
NOTE: What? Still can't get enough? Well..here's the other 2 commercials from the same series. I highly recommend the "longue singer" version - which tosses the word "masticate" REPEATEDLY for the *win*. Not shockingly, the campaign ended right after that one. ;)