Monday, May 11, 2009

STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!: Archie Comic Books


Ahh, Archie and the gang. Though not as cool as reading Fantastic Four or X-Men; the gang from Riverdale High have long been a guilty pleasure of many. UNTIL NOW.

Many a comic series has befallen to the horrible trend of "artistic updating", with the characters and artwork being given a makeover and facelift to make them more happening and "cool". But no tale is more tragic than what has happened to the kids from Archie.

Archie comics have had their stylistic changes every now and then, usually for the better. Here is how most of us remember them:


Group shot of all the major playa-playas (From left to right): Betty, Archie, Jughead, Reggie, and Veronica with a special appearance by Hot Dog (Jughead's Dog).

Remember how they look? Good. But let's not forget a few other notables, such as:

Moose. Jock extraordinaire.



Midge. Moose's arm-candy.


And everyone's favorite minor character, who became popular in her own right...Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. (Yes young'uns, believe it or don't....she started out in Archie!)


Check out those curves! You don't have to be Salem to say "MEEE-OWWW!" Hubba-hubba!



So what about now, you may ask? Those of you with weak stomachs may wish to shield your eyes...yes children, here is what Archie Comics is cranking out these days. Oh the humanity!


OH NO YOU DIDN'T.



HELLLL NO. WAS THIS REALLY NECESSARY? SERIOUSLY?


Well certainly our old pal Jughead is safe. He was waaaay too original to succumb to such bullshit fads! Right Jughead, 'ol pal?


YOU....BASTARD! I BELIEVED IN YOU!



No, your eyes are not deceiving you. Jughead is wearing...SAGGY F*CKIN' PANTS! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!



Midge and Moose!?!? Not you guys too!!!



Okay...calm down. We still have Sabrina. Remember cute little curvy Sabrina? Well, she's already been through this before, though we remember her as this:


(Again....MEEEEE-OWWWWWW!)


...we must remember that Archie had already made huge mistakes with Sabrina. Surely they learned from those mistakes. I mean...c'mon...we have a whole generation of kids who instead of the curvaceous freckle-faced witchy cutie above, thinks this is Sabrina:



Or even worse, some grew up thinking she looked liked this:




No....Archie Comics already knew they already took waaaaaay too many liberties with our beloved teenage witch in the past. They would never, ever do anything like that again. Wait....what's that you say?





They're updating Sabrina with a new look too?......




But it isn't going to be like the other Riverdale makeovers? Well...that's a relief. They're going with a different style you say? Well, how bad could it be?







WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.



Archie Comics, take this anorexic twig and stick it up your cauldron and stir it! AND STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!


....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.

19 comments:

Kendall H Photography said...

That's awful haha! I used to love Archie comics when I was younger

JJAlvidrez said...

I used to read those all the time... I hate the new style. If they wanted a nwe style make a new book, they've basically changed everything that defined Archie and the gang.

Tim said...

Although Sabrina looks way hotter now with her new, skinny look! Dr. Evil approved!

Cat said...

I so did NOT see Juggie looking like a wannabe gangsta. I've seen these updated Archie comics in the stores and they make me wanna cry into my tea. I used to have a crush on Archie (and Tin-Tin, who looks similar, so maybe I have a thing for cartoon ginger boys, but I think I'm over that RIGHT NOW.

Neal Snow said...

These new version of Archie and the Riverdale gang are SHIT.

Besides, when trying to update a comic book, you don't change the art style. Instead you change the focus. See attached link for example, and tell me that you wouldn't plunk down three dollars for it -

http://i534.photobucket.com/albums/ee347/shortbuscomix/imgv102.jpg

Neal Snow said...

http://i534.photobucket.com/albums/ee347/shortbuscomix/imgv102.jpg

Dang address cut off in my previous post.

Neal Snow said...

Well, crap.

Stupid thing wont put up the full address link, so add the following to what's already been posted.

mix/imgv102.jpg

Dumb internet.

Michelle S. said...

Gack! Sabrina looks like a meth head. As an illustrator, one of my biggest pet peeves is when professional comic artists refuse to learn the basics of anatomy in order to convincingly stylize the human form. Yes, I know it's a comic, but it still irks me. That Sabrina cover isn't just creepy because she's anorexic. Her pose and form are really poorly drawn. You'd think with all the crack artists in Asia, they could hire a cover artist with a bit more talent.

BITTER OLD BITCH said...

NEAL!!!: OMFGLOLOLOLZ!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about changing "focus" alright! Hahaha, that was so worth it, thanks for sharing that!

JJAlvidrez: Agreed, that crap is no longer even considered "Archie" anymore in my book.

Tim: You sick bastard. Hahaha. I knew you would think that!

Cat: The ghetto Jughead wad the nail in the coffin for me, and frankly, as far as Arch himself goes, the new updated look makes him look rather unfortunate. Poor Archie, it's like puberty all over again!

Michelle: Totally. The legs alone, ack. And to think, that was the best they could come up with? If that "art" made the cover who knows what poop is inside!

Bad Cop said...

I can't wait until Sabrina's cat Salem has a sexy make-over. Pootie T-Cat needs a new "friend" to show his lipstick to. Poots doesn't care who the lucky recipient is, as long as they are dark haired, be-whiskered and full of snappy come-backs!

Neal Snow said...

Hey Bitter Old Bitch,

Feel free to do whatever you want with that picture. I doodle it years ago for shits and giggles and never found a suitable place to use it, until now.

BITTER OLD BITCH said...

Neal...you....DREW THAT?

Color me impressed my friend! Extremely impressed! :D

Scott W said...

This is just too disturbing.

Neal Snow said...

Hey Bitter Old Bitch,

You should see what my moonlighting job is. I split up the web address here so it'll post, just cram the letters back together and it'll take you to my temp championship belt site.

http://allstar
championshipbelt
s.webs.com/in
dex.htm

Hope that works this time. Dang internet.

Gilsner said...

Well golly gee… I didn’t know the Olsen twins had a comic book! Wowie, doesn’t Mary Kate look stylin’ with her blue-black hair?!?

Now I hate to make generalizations based on looks alone (oh, wait, no I don’t!) but I’m pretty sure the ‘new’ Moose goes on a roid rage and beats the crap out of poor Midge. Probably for showing her midriff.

And is it just me or does Jughead look a bit like David Schwimmer? Meanwhile, Archie looks like James Vanderbeek, circa Dawson’s Creek. ~insert corny music~ Oh I don’t wanna wait for our lives to be over... ~end corny music~

As for Sabrina… now I’m no anatomy expert (although I like to pretend I am in certain situations… like on public transit and at wedding receptions) but I’m pretty sure one’s legs and arms should not be twice the length of one’s torso. Just sayin’, is all.

Sandy said...

hahah, great post!! And those saggy shorts man oh man...why why..I see enough of that with my sons who are almost30 and still wearing them.

viagra online said...

Archie comic book was my favorite when I was 8. However, his comic are difficult to find in this epoch.

Anonymous said...

The new art was for only a few issues. You're upset over nothing.

Lone432345 said...

I always though Archie Comics were kind of lame. I mean how long can these character keep acting like its the 1950's.