I'm looking at you, kids born before 1985. Kids who grew up with dangerous toys and loved every damn minute of it. Kids who lived in rooms with lead paint on the walls. Kids who rode their bicycles and skateboards down the street and never needed any pansy-ass elbow pads or helmets...kids who rode their Big Wheels down the slide just for hell of it...yeah, you...
...stand up and give the Bitter Old Bitch an "Amen"!
I'm tired of seeing everything I once loved, cartoons, toys, whatever - all changed to fit this new world order of bullshittery. Today, I give you one example of awesomeness that has become pussified with the times. Today, we're talking about:
Yes, the mighty Tonka Dump Truck. It had sharp metal edges that could slice you six ways from Sunday, and if your truck was well-loved, enough rust on it to give an entire 3rd world country lockjaw. But it was tough, damn tough. It was your playground friend, you could haul anything in that sucker...from 15 pounds of dirt to an entire grocery bag full of Legos. And it could even carry YOU. Yes, many a child bored with hauling around gravel ended up sitting on it and taking it for a ride down a sloped driveway. And if you were lucky enough to have two (or a friend who also owned one) it was only a matter of time before someone put their feet in them and tried the infamous "Tonka Truck Rollerskate Supreme". Those were the days, my friends...those were the days.
Tonka Trucks were quality, and no matter how much abuse you gave them, they held up. How many toy cars these days can a child actually sit on and ride without the axel snapping in half the minute more than 2 lbs of pressure is applied? ZERO. But Tonka...Tonka could do it, and we loved it.
This my friends, is what a Tonka Truck used to be; molten metal could only dream of being formed into something so bad-ass:
But what about today? Well, luckily (or not!) Tonka still makes dump trucks. But, they've...well...changed...*cough* the design a little. You know, to adhere to modern safety standards. Because kids today need to be protected all the time. Not like us heathens, whose parents would toss some lawn darts in our hands and smack us on the ass and force us to go out and play with them (unattended of course!).
Brace yourselves. Yes folks...this is what a Tonka Dump Truck is today:
Tonka, take your colorful plastic piece of shit and give me my rusty metal death trap back! And STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!
...thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.