Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Okay kiddies of yesteryear, how many of you are sick and tired of seeing the things you loved dearly from your childhood being changed for the worse?

I'm looking at you, kids born before 1985. Kids who grew up with dangerous toys and loved every damn minute of it. Kids who lived in rooms with lead paint on the walls. Kids who rode their bicycles and skateboards down the street and never needed any pansy-ass elbow pads or who rode their Big Wheels down the slide just for hell of it...yeah, you...

...stand up and give the Bitter Old Bitch an "Amen"!

I'm tired of seeing everything I once loved, cartoons, toys, whatever - all changed to fit this new world order of bullshittery. Today, I give you one example of awesomeness that has become pussified with the times. Today, we're talking about:


Now THAT is what Willis was talkin' 'bout!

Yes, the mighty Tonka Dump Truck. It had sharp metal edges that could slice you six ways from Sunday, and if your truck was well-loved, enough rust on it to give an entire 3rd world country lockjaw. But it was tough, damn tough. It was your playground friend, you could haul anything in that sucker...from 15 pounds of dirt to an entire grocery bag full of Legos. And it could even carry YOU. Yes, many a child bored with hauling around gravel ended up sitting on it and taking it for a ride down a sloped driveway. And if you were lucky enough to have two (or a friend who also owned one) it was only a matter of time before someone put their feet in them and tried the infamous "Tonka Truck Rollerskate Supreme". Those were the days, my friends...those were the days.

Pictured: Sharp metal edges and an assload of fun.

Tonka Trucks were quality, and no matter how much abuse you gave them, they held up. How many toy cars these days can a child actually sit on and ride without the axel snapping in half the minute more than 2 lbs of pressure is applied? ZERO. But Tonka...Tonka could do it, and we loved it.

This my friends, is what a Tonka Truck used to be; molten metal could only dream of being formed into something so bad-ass:


But what about today? Well, luckily (or not!) Tonka still makes dump trucks. But, they've...well...changed...*cough* the design a little. You know, to adhere to modern safety standards. Because kids today need to be protected all the time. Not like us heathens, whose parents would toss some lawn darts in our hands and smack us on the ass and force us to go out and play with them (unattended of course!).

Brace yourselves. Yes folks...this is what a Tonka Dump Truck is today:


Tonka, take your colorful plastic piece of shit and give me my rusty metal death trap back! And STOP RAPING MY CHILDHOOD!

...thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.


Jill said...

OH MY! I am laughing my ARSE OFF!

I say to you B.O.B...AMEN and AMEN!!!

Jill from The Glen!

Shelley said...

Amen. My husband recently bought some trucks for my daughter and they barely roll since they are all plasticky.

Adam and Matt, The LOL, Wresslin' Laugh Twins said...



Thanks guys, I knew there would be a few of you out there that understood. ;)

-The B.O.B.

Neal Snow said...

I had the metal truck from back in my wee days. I loved that truck. I'd put the family cat in it and roll it down the street. I'd use it like a scooter down the sidewalks. I'd load it up with gravel. I'd drop it off the roof of the house, not even a scratch. I'd abuse the hell out of it, and the tonka truck would love me back. God, I loved that toy. Many times I'd have cuts on my hands from playing with it, but that was, odd as it seems, part of the fun. All us neighborhood kids would be running around the neighborhood with the knees of our jeans ripped out and blood stained from all the falls we'd take off our bikes or from falling off the neighbor's roofs, and unlike today's kids we didn't cry like newborn women about it. We'd get back up for more fun. Seeing the uber-safe crap that's being made for today's kids (which aren't safe at all since they're all made in china, using paints that are more dangerous than any rusty, sharp corner of any toy we had) makes me cry inside.


Neal: Abso-fuckkin'-lutely. Awesome comment, that's exactly how I remember the Tonka trucks. We'd abuse the hell out of 'em but like a Timex they'd keep on tickin'. And yeah, maybe we are all a bunch of sadists, but those cuts were part of the fun! Hooray!

Maybe someday they'll bring the old trucks back, as "collector editions" or something and all us old coots can get a real one for our kids. Until then, I'd never let any kid I cared about be seen with that chunk o' plastic crapola. -_-

Denjiro said...

Thats not even the worst of it. They got a truck that talks.

Soy así said...

YEAH, YOU REALLY KNOW. I Actually was born in 1987, but I also enjoyed the awesome Tonka metal trucks. And it's no lie, you could ride them without any problem. A real machine. My friend Shane and I used to play with our trucks when I was six. Actually he got first his, and then I got mine.

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Clark Adams said...

It's really sad that you won't even see the essence of the old Tonka trucks in the new plastic ones. I guess they had to go through a lot of change to get a product certification. Well, if it's for your kids' safety, then I guess it's all good. But there's this part of you that wants you to make your kids experience the fun you've had when you were a kid, right? Even some software has drastic changes these days. We all have to live with it. =(

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