Have you ever wondered why today's generation seems so hopeless? Somehow it seems that those of us born in the eighties, seventies, and prior are just a bit...well...smarter than those kids today, doesn't it?
Well, it's true. Know why?
BECAUSE WE HAD TOYS THAT COULD KILL US.
Yes, nothing says "motivational learning experience" more than pain will. Back in the day our toys taught us valuable lessons, and those that were too lazy or dumb to adapt, well...Darwinism took it's toll on our generation didn't it? Those of us that survived the "thinning of the herd" know darn well that paperclips don't go in electric sockets, and that no matter how much Jimmy Anderson dares you, it isn't worth trying to successfully catch a lawn dart in your mouth. Nope. We took our licks, but we ended up wiser, more well-rounded individuals. Can't say the same for the overprotected kids of today.
So here, without further ado - is a roundup of wild toys from the past that even though they could maim and kill, we still played with and loved every damn minute of it:
(examples: Ice Bird, Tonka Trucks, Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine)
(examples: Willy Water Bug, Fun Fountain, Water Wiggle, clackers, Bing Bang Boing!)
Willy The Water Bug
Johnny Reb Cannon
Bing Bang Boing!
(examples: Creepy Crawlers, Mattel Vac-U-Form, Easy Bake Oven, Soldering Kits, Wood Burning Kits)
Vac-U-Form Machine by Mattel:
The virtual trifecta of danger.
1. Hot Plate? Check.
2. Melted Hot Plastic? Check.
3. Sharp knife to trim your molds? Check and check!
I know, let's bake creatures out of toxic goo using a burning hot plate! YESSSS!
Easy Bake Oven
Good ol' Easy Bake. Thanks to you I learned that handling a hot cake pan without an oven mitt is never a great idea. Thanks for teaching me, I'd be fingerless today without you!
(examples: Lawn Darts, Fireworks, Dad's Table Saw)
Lawn Darts a.k.a. "Jarts"
Death in a box. 'Nuff said.
(examples: Big Wheels, roller skates, The Outrider, Green Machine, skateboards)
The Outrider. Knees and knuckles, prepare to be skinned!
Big Wheel. Now check out this awesome commercials. How many helmets and knee pads do you see? Now...count the awesome spin-outs. Is it little wonder we loved these things until we wore a flat hole in the front tire?
Green Machine, for when you outgrew your Big Wheel, but you weren't about to relinquish your title of "neighborhood knievel".
(examples: Not shockingly, this is the only one that I know of.)
Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab
....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.