Friday, May 8, 2009

Retro Goodness: DANGEROUS TOYS OF YESTERYEAR (that we all loved!)

Meet the Marquis DeSade of the Toy World. Say hello, Willy.

Have you ever wondered why today's generation seems so hopeless? Somehow it seems that those of us born in the eighties, seventies, and prior are just a bit...well...smarter than those kids today, doesn't it?

Well, it's true. Know why?


Yes, nothing says "motivational learning experience" more than pain will. Back in the day our toys taught us valuable lessons, and those that were too lazy or dumb to adapt, well...Darwinism took it's toll on our generation didn't it? Those of us that survived the "thinning of the herd" know darn well that paperclips don't go in electric sockets, and that no matter how much Jimmy Anderson dares you, it isn't worth trying to successfully catch a lawn dart in your mouth. Nope. We took our licks, but we ended up wiser, more well-rounded individuals. Can't say the same for the overprotected kids of today.

So here, without further ado - is a roundup of wild toys from the past that even though they could maim and kill, we still played with and loved every damn minute of it:

Toys That Would Cut You Up:
(examples: Ice Bird, Tonka Trucks, Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine)

Ice Bird

Ice Bird. Because nothing spells “FUN!” like a rubber ducky with a razor-sharp cheese grater on his ass.

Toys That Would Beat Your Sorry Ass Silly:
(examples: Willy Water Bug, Fun Fountain, Water Wiggle, clackers, Bing Bang Boing!)

Water Wiggle

*shakes fist in anger* Oh water wiggle, how I remember thee…you may have won the battle but you have not won the war! I still plot my vengeance…someday I shall tame you and you will bow down before me.

Willy The Water Bug

Ahh, Willy. Attach him to a garden hose and watch his watery tentacles whip in the air, just begging you to tempt fate and try to jump him. And as soon as you do, he'll lash your legs and genitals so hard you'll have welts. Lesson learned, Willie. Granted, you gave us fair warning with your box art of you whipping the hell out of some kids. We should have paid more attention. (Thanks TOLTOYS for the lovely image.)

Johnny Reb Cannon

Pledging your allegiance to the Confederates whilst firing hard plastic cannonballs that fly up to 35 feet at your friends? Now how could that possibly go wrong?

Bing Bang Boing!

The greatest lesson in physics; a flying metal ball moving at a high rate of speed will provide enough force to knock out your teeth if given the chance.

Toys that would BURN THE SHIT OUTTA YOU:

(examples: Creepy Crawlers, Mattel Vac-U-Form, Easy Bake Oven, Soldering Kits, Wood Burning Kits)

Vac-U-Form Machine by Mattel:

The virtual trifecta of danger.

1. Hot Plate? Check.
2. Melted Hot Plastic? Check.
3. Sharp knife to trim your molds? Check and check!

Creepy Crawlers

I know, let's bake creatures out of toxic goo using a burning hot plate! YESSSS!

Easy Bake Oven

Good ol' Easy Bake. Thanks to you I learned that handling a hot cake pan without an oven mitt is never a great idea. Thanks for teaching me, I'd be fingerless today without you!

Toys That Just Cut to the Chase and KILLED you:

(examples: Lawn Darts, Fireworks, Dad's Table Saw)

Lawn Darts a.k.a. "Jarts"

Death in a box. 'Nuff said.

Toys That You Dangerously Rode in The Street:
(examples: Big Wheels, roller skates, The Outrider, Green Machine, skateboards)

The Outrider

The Outrider. Knees and knuckles, prepare to be skinned!

Big Wheel

Big Wheel. Now check out this awesome commercials. How many helmets and knee pads do you see? Now...count the awesome spin-outs. Is it little wonder we loved these things until we wore a flat hole in the front tire?

Green Machine

Green Machine, for when you outgrew your Big Wheel, but you weren't about to relinquish your title of "neighborhood knievel".

Toys That Would IRRADIATE You:
(examples: Not shockingly, this is the only one that I know of.)

Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab

Yeah, back in the day you could buy a toy kit that had a Geiger counter AND three…count ‘em…three radioactive sources included in the box. I ask you, what other generation can boast badassery like that? NONE. So stand up and be proud.

....thus sayeth the Bitter Old Bitch.


jan said...

Great post!! I'm amazed that the generations of my children and me survived into adulthood in such numbers without legal action to dictate what we played with.

Sandy said...

hahah THIS WAS SOME post. How the hell do you come up with ideas like this to research. Your comments are hilarious. I think I lived in a cave or something, I do not remember the ice duck and a few others. Enjoyable!

Anonymous said...

Ice Duck! I wanted one soooooo bad, but was never allowed to get one. :( Willy Waterbug was awesome-but whipped the heck out of your legs. Torture for sure.
Thanks for the awesome post!

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JennG said...

Geez I remember a lot of these! Would have loved the Atomic Energy Lab, but that was a little before my time. I think I had a water wiggle, but everything else - only in my dreams. Mom figured most of this was too dangerous. Riding down a narrow street on a steep hill on a skateboard wasn't though - go figure! Great blog!

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Wanda Jester said...

Slip 'N Slide was a good one. Sprawled out across the dead rock hard dirt lawn, complete with protruding broken sprinkler heads to catch your hair as you slid by, and over the concrete sidewalk until you dog-piled your friends at the end of the slide for any kid's lack of patience to wait his turn. Yep, you and all your best buddies slipped and slid to the non-stopable end right to the edge of the yard which coincidentally was the curb of the gutter.

To cool off after all that running and sliding onto the burning rubber (Dad didn't want to waste too much water, now did he?), you'd be off to the backyard to enjoy your Snowman Ice Making Machine. Styled after a butchers meat grinder, just one tiny slip and your right arm is now your forty right arms.....but mmmmmmm, what great snow cones they made with that chemical juice of colours not found in nature poured on top.

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